Snow Day 2004 was sooooooo much fun. I love my girls!! It was great because al the classes I didn't want to go to were on Thursday, so I had the most wonderful day ever. I got to hang out and eat and watch season 6 of Friends. I missed you Laura!! And then I studied forEVER for a midterm that only took like 15 minutes to take. I got like 3 hours of sleep and then yesterday I had to go to friday classes and then the opera!! I saw the Barber of Seville and it was pretty good (go Rory go!). I liked Madama Butterfly better last year but this one was so funny.

Anyway today is absolutely gorgeous outside!!!! Saturdays like this make everything worth it. I am about to go to a tennis match (outside yay!). Go Dawgs!

Anyway, more later! Bye!

life is so small... and i am small: my thoughts, my words, my everything... how very small. and i am tired and flawed and ready for something more...

i have been ready, been hoping, been waiting patiently... and i suppose i will simply continue.

God is so amazing... loving.... forgiving....

He loves me and wants me the way I long to love that one person one day... when all that I am looking for is really only found in God. He is all that I need now and forever... and I should never worry about anything else. I forget that often, even though lately I have had such a peace about everything. I have been blessed with amazing caring friends, and amazing experiences and opportunities. And my family is more than I could ever ask for.

"Humble me, Lord"

Snow please....

Marine Biology is my enemy. Why am i researching deep sea angler fish? Someone? Anyone?? Bueler???


"you can cross the line whenever you want to
i'm calling it love soon
close your eyes and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon
its not about you now
its what we are"
~JM

... i can't stop listening to him... he never gets old....

hmmmm. can't really think about writing my outline. can't sit still. can't study. can't do anything productive. just thinking and i am getting a little bit tired of that.


My Life:
Bad- Marine Bio, Econ, drunk noise outside my dorm, 80's molly ringwald style haircut, slightly messy room (dang it!)
OK- music major, undetermined summer plans, hot marine bio lab guy that has a girlfriend (hey, he is still hot), music theory
Good- just did laundry :) get to see a billion movies this week
Absolutely perfect a drawer full of nerds, bubble yum, and cinnamon toast crunch bars (oh love); new norah jones cd; five dollar shoes; taking my momma to a ballet (i cant wait!); laughing until i cant breathe; being exhausted in a good way- like i have spent so much energy on just the right parts of life; spring break in two weeks; summer in two months; new york in two years; late nights; my adorable puppy; the thought of something better to come; opera!!!!!!!!; oh and the maslanka symphony no.2!!!!!; and starting to read real books again; maybe starting to study real books again; hints of spring weather; Maroon 5!; knowing... just knowing; oh... and waiting; knowing that God loves me!; knowing that there are places I can go where no one will know me; knowing that i might cry tomorrow; knowing that i have a secret; having a saturday morning to wear my pj's and sleep; FBG's; my john mayer cd; my pillow (pellow?); Gilmore Girls (more jess less dean); the future; and hoping... i like that....

this entry was brought to you by me, not doing my homework. man what is wrong with me?! lol goodnight

I didn't sleep very well last night... and I don't think tonight will be much better. And this week is going to be so busy for me.

Sometimes I just wanna forget a lot of things. Things no journal will ever see. No pen will ever touch these memories... they deserve to be forgotten. Things that no one will hear about. I do want to leave here. Sometimes...

I want a life where I can be happy when I go to sleep... I want to have accomplished something besides grades on a report card. I am so tired of school... it gets me nowhere. I don't know why I am here. I don't know why I am in Georgia. I don't know what I am doing in class. As I sit in class, I can't concentrate... I can't even imagine what economic theory is going to benefit in my life. Does it help me love anyone more than I already could? It's all ridiculous. Why can't I be passionate about something and simply follow that... why do all of these stupid rules apply? Why can't I sit and write all day? Why can't I play the music I want to play? I feel so boxed in. I never felt like that in high school... I knew I was going to be out someday. But I'm here, and I can't stand to go to class. And it feels like it will never end. And if I don't study all these pointless things, I'll regret it later, for I will need the grades to do more pointless things. And the things I really want to do are out of my reach. Not writing, not playing music... but the life I want to live... the help i want to give someone... it seems so impossible to me. Right now I have to sit there and listen and watch them suffer... I know its not the life they wanted. I will do anything in my power to change that for them, because of all things in my life, the knowledge of all they gave up for me and the knowledge of how much they love me, breaks my heart more than anything ever will. And the knowledge that I have to change the cards they were given is the only thing that pulls me forward. I can't sit there and watch, because if I can't make their life better someday, I think my life will be completely purposeless. I honestly feel that, if I cannot help them. I pray to God that I can help them, though.

What a huge rambling. A huge rambling that makes no sense to anyone. The day when I will be able to tell someone all of this, that day will be the deepest breath of my life. and that's a long way away

and i've got miles to go before i sleep...

I need to work on being a better listener and friend...

it's nice to be at home for a night... to see familiar things and stay up late doing thinking like I always used to do...

it's nice to know my mom and dad are in the room across the hall and that my dog is asleep in the den and that i have my own covers and pillows and everything i used to see everyday. it's nice to know that i still have this...

its nice to know that i have the most amazing family and friends in the world. God has blessed me with so much to love.... and i do love all of them more than i ever could show...

it's nice to just to have the noises... i always hated going to bed when it was quiet... i had to have something... i had to know there were other people around before I could sleep... it's nice to have that in the form of my family and not in the form of drunk people in the dorm across the hall...

i'm so scared for the day when i will live alone... it will be too quiet and too cold and too dark... i dont see how i could ever call a place home... i hope i will always have a roommate, or my family or a husband... i used to think i wanted to live alone at some point but i don't think so anymore. the point of that would have been to find myself, but i dont think i need that anymore.

but right now, its nice to be home, and i'm the luckiest girl in the world...

Matt Bivins.... love of my life. Never before have I seen anyone sexier. He makes the accordian look sexy, for crying out loud. Bah! I cannot even think and I am hardly ever one to say "oo look sexy guy"... but you have to believe me on this one. Every single thing he did was crazy amazing gorgeous. Soulmate material right there.

On another note, I definitely got hit on by Super Mario today. Yeah.... you cant even make up things like that.

Oh!! Soooo much guitar today, it has by far been one of the best days ever. And also Matt Bivins. Matt bivins, yes, the love of my life.

I cannot wait till Maroon 5.

I can't even speak...... you have no idea....

you are my mission
impossible at first
but like cold fission
i feel an energy
flow, flow, let it all go
and close your eyes
body parts are nice
what makes you warm?
the sun on your skin
or a summer storm?
Rain? Rain on your face
Rain that you can taste
Slowly as it drips
Down your liips
Like a kiss
from the one you love
what makes you hot?
something that you want but you haven't got
isn't that the way
just a game to play
all day
well, i say
you can bring the ice
sweating will suffice
your body parts are nice.
~Matt Bivins, Jump Little Children

Really interesting few days... tonight is going to rock out though. I shoould be napping right now.. but I am not.

I have advising in a couple of days? Change majors? or dont... Cant decide!!!

So.. I miss God. I feel like maybe I've been distant for about the last month and I don't like it. And I feel like my attitude is so wrong about some things. I need to work on that.

Ok I am going go sleep a little bit. Up next... shopping, dinner, hanging out, JLC, etc.... :) yay

Yay!!! Everyone is getting along and I had soooooooooo much fun tonight!! It was marvellous!

I miss English so very much!! Today I was thinking of ways I could not pay attention in economics tomorrow.... and decided that writing would be an excellent idea. Ooo.. or maybe I won't go. Even better....! Ok fine I'll probably go. :)

Today was great for many reasons:

-convinced amy and cortney to skip class and eat lunch with me and jess and stewart
-hung out with viki
-had the funniest night ever with laura matt jessie and viki
-got to hear an AWESOME clarinet solo lol
-haircut!!!!!! ahhh!!!!
-it was gorgeous outside
-got mail from my mom
-and its almost thursday which is almost as good as friday... i kinda like thursday better.
-oh yeha and i had an awesome dessert today!!!!!!

Ok well I keep thinking I have SOO much to write, and I do, but i cant sit still so this entry is done.

~Love!!! ;)

I am going to keep posting here for a while....

I am so sleepy this week. I can hardly keep my eyes open and I can't concentrate on anything!!

Anyway... patience... I just have to keep telling myself that. What am I even doing? This week I just feel very inadequate... I really feel right now that in some areas of my life I am doing absolutely nothing. I have nothing to give. I feel like I have exhausted all that I have in me. Just sometimes, I get very frustrated.. like everything I say is in a different language and makes no sense... everything I do just turns out wrong. I can't even fix my hair right!! Bah! I am very tired and tempted just to disappear for a while. I want to... I really want to... I dont know when I could though. If I could only just go somewhere for a weekend.. like a secret vacation to somewhere I've never been... or more perfect... just take a weekend to Savannah. Ever since I have been in Athens I've just wanted to drive to Savannah for a weekend and a get a room near the beach and just sit there. Sit there, do nothing, say nothing, hardly move, and just watch things. I would go by my grandparents house, go by to see my grandpa.... for some reason I just miss those times in Savannah soooooooo much right now. It feels so open and calm there, and here, I feel like I can't breathe. There is not a breath of air in anything I do. Sigh... Except sleeping.. dreaming.. where I am off to now...

What a marvellous weekend!!

I love all the Tech girls (and Jess too!)! This was the best valentine's day ever!! Mmmm cheesecake. Lana, you just got coned. Where's Whitney when i need her????

Lalalalla, marvellous. I'm out. ;)


PS- I sooooo win.

it makes no sense, but i miss you like i miss home....

Nobody puts baby in a corner. Nobody puts my mom in a corner, nobody puts laura or jessie in a corner, AND NO ONE PUTS LINDSEY IN A CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone got that???!?!?!??!

Good.

And don't think I'm kidding.

Marvellous.

Well, being sick sucks, but Cortney is the best ever for taking me to get medicine and jello. But man this was the sickest i've been in about my whole life. It was not fun but I felt much better today and very well rested.

I GOT MAIL TODAY!!! YAY!!! My parents sent me a package but I can't pick it up till tomorrow so I can't wait. I am going as soon as I wake up. For real, mail is just about the best thing in the whole entire world. Ever. Letters are way better than anything on this planet. Ever since I was little I have loved checking the mail. hmmm, more people should write letters. I love stationary and I have a lot of it but people kind of think you are weird if you just write them random letters. So.. mostly my stationary just sits there and looks pretty. But i really want to use it! It's good when people go away for the summer (aka Rory) cause then I have someone to write letters to. Lol.

I am ready to get out of the dorm. Yay for Friday. Ooo and yay for Saturday too!! ;)

EVERYONE BUY THE DAMIEN RICE CD!!!!!! BUY IT! NOW!!!!

And on that note:

"there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer each day
so close that i can't see what's going on"
~DR

Chocolate sucks. I can never find exactly what I want in chocolate. Chocolate is definitely NOT the food of love, i'll tell you that. Cause even if you eat just a little too much, you just have this terrible tast in your mouth and also you are like, "why did i eat that? i HATE chocolate!" This could perhaps be considered the food of casual dating, or maybe even flirting... What, then, IS the food of love? Popcorn perhaps...? Peanut Butter sandwiches? no.... too pretentious..... I think the correct answer lies with gummy bears. Not the sour kind.... just plain old gummy bears. However much I do like the sour variety, plain gummy bears are yummy virtually for however long you wish to eat them, and they are cute too. AND, they are spontaneous... sometimes melting together to form different colored blobs of gummy... you never really know what to expect!!! Whew, now that THAT'S out of the way, on to more serious stuff....

Valentine's day. why does everyone hate valentine's day?? Really, honestly... it sucks any day of the year that people make out right in front of you. SO here's a list of reasons NOT to hate Valentine's day... 1) you get an excuse to wear red, a marvellous color. OR pink, if that is your choice, also a marvellous color in a more girly way (but guys that wear pink are hottttttttt... unless they are frat guys....) 2) um, CANDY. hello? when else can you buy the candy heart things... although i might be the only person in history that actually eats those things. 3) Inevitably there are movie marathons for just about any type of movie.... chick flics... guy movies for guys who hate valentine's day... girl movies for girls who hate valentine's day.... movies for people who dont really care... 4) You are guarunteed to see people act really stupidly.... somewhere on this day, in your town, someone is acting like an idiot....
5)It's LINDSEY'S BIRTHDAY!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDSEY!!!!!!!! That's reason enough in itself....
6)You have to admit, it's way better than president's day. AND you have to admit that you sort of wish you could still make those valentine's like you did in kindergarten and give them to a lot of people and then eat the leftover candy that you made them with. Construction paper and crayons are WAY underrated.... and candy.....
7) gives you yet another excuse to hang out with all your friends that dont have valentine's plans...

So really, in conclusion, if you like candy and movies and construction paper and crayons, you should give Valentine's Day a chance.



So... now that that was completely retarded... today was pretty uneventful. I pretended to study for my test tomorrow in marine bio. I went to theory (why why why?), Had lab (sucked, except for hot lab partner), took a nap (completely redeemed the day), and otherwise wasn't particularly productive. Marvellous. Tomorrow will be pretty much the same except better cause I have less class and i'll be done on my test. So, good night!!!

So next year I am living in a house!! I get my own room!! My own room and my OWN bed and my own bathroom (you have no idea how exciting that is).... Oh dear, my own room!!!!! I can't wait. Next year is going to be awesome.

I am still not sure what I am doing this summer. I think I am going to Europe for a long time. I am so excited but also sort of scared to come back here. I think it will be very hard to tear myself away from a place where absolutely no one would recognize me. And a place where I could go write, and would have things to write about. And what if this is the only time in my life in which i have the chance to actually just be in Europe, somewhere, and simply enjoy it. Then I come back... back to preparing myself to be a band director.... I dont think I can do it. The way I love music and the way I love writing.... they are completely different. I will never, ever stop writing as long as I live. And really whenever I imagine this summer, I just see myself sitting somewhere... somewhere more ancient than anything I know here.... and writing and writing and writing the whole time. I want to come back with full journals, no blank pages. I don't know what I'll do with them all, but what if it's the last time I can record my own thoughts? I mean, my uninterrupted thoughts. I'll be taking classes there... but I dont really care about them. I dont need the classes. I just need the place, the experience. And when I get back, everything leads up to me finding a job, moving to a city, and eternal busy-ness. I hope someday I'll have a summer again to simply breathe and hear myself think. But this might be my only chance.

What do you see me as? Do you see me teaching band? Any of you who read this? I can't tear myself away because I LOVE music, I love theory, I love opera and concerts and even the school of music. But I keep losing sleep... I stay up thinking about what I would be reading if I had an English class... what I could be writing about instead of musical variations... who I would know, where I would be... where I could go and what I could do with a degree in English. Graduate studies in journalism or creative writing.... what if I really could write a novel someday... Just when I get to the point where I convince myself that I am in the wrong place, I hate thinking about quitting something. That KILLS me. I have worked SO SO SO hard at becoming good at music. I'm not even there yet, but I have put so much time into it. I can't stand the thought of giving that up... of not having pursued that to the end of my abilities. I hate stopping before I am done... and that's why I miss English. I stopped. I cut myself off from the primary passion I have had since I was little. But then, what if I can't do music anymore? But i know, I know with everything I have in me that there is more to come. I will find literature again and study it and learn again to write. And one day I'll walk by a bookstore and there will be a novel in the window, and my name will be on it. Molly Beth Martin. It's gonna be there, I promise. So many times have I started stories. I have numerous outlines and character developments on loose sheets of paper... all over my room at home, in my notebooks here. In the middle of all my class notes I have all these random pages of thoughts and ideas. I cant wait to be a struggling writer, with a small apartment and sheets of paper everywhere. I've struggled before, it'll be ok... but I'll know that I worked my way out of it, I proved myself. And I don't just want to be any author. I dont even care if I am a bestseller now. But I want to be read a hundred years from now. I want to be the author that kids do book reports on. I want to be an Austen, a Bronte, a Dickinson... and I have all the ideas I want to portray... I just need the stories. But, I can't stand to quit. I never ever quit. I just don't know what's going to happen. Maybe I'll figure it all out in Europe.

Well, maybe now I can sleep some. Sweet sweet dreams....

I am moving to New York the first second I get the chance. That's the 'American Dream' i suppose. New York has all the answers... and if it doesn't, then where do you go to find them? Ok fine its just a city, but I know there is something there for me. Waiting for me. And tonight's just one of those nights... wishing i was there ;) in a whole new place and time and so far away from all this and so full of all my dreams.

and on that note, sweet dreams.....

Well, yesterday is over and done with. Last week is over and done with. Now moving on to this week; a whole new set of worries for this week. Stresses that aren't even my fault. I defend, I support, I analyze, I try to abstain from judgement... and i'm still in the same place. I feel like I am stuck in mud or quicksand.

After this semester, it's pretty much all methods and Ed Psych and conducting and lessons.... I dont have to leave wonderful east campus. I'll have my own room somewhere... it doesnt matter where... just somewhere. My own space.

Hmmmm...... that's a very nice thought.

My room smells like cake batter... vanilla-y or something. It smells really good. It's making me hungry. Maybe someone on the hall is making a cake. Yum.

done.

I can't do anything right. I can't!!!!!!!!

I hate fighting, but even when I try to do what's best, I can't. I pray about things and I think things through and I stress myself out over it, but in the end apparently I am doing everything wrong. It's like I am a photo negative, everything I do or say appears to everyone else the opposite of what it is in my mind. I see black, they see white. I say yes, they hear no.

I was trying to make you happy. I was trying to be the best friend I could be. I thought you didnt want me there, I thought I was complying with your wishes by simply disappearing for a few days. You said the other day "A friend doesn't need honesty when they are really upset." Well I disagree; and I gave you honesty but you didnt want it. I'd never give you anything but complete and total honesty, but you didnt want that, so instead I just kept quiet. If I could only help you understand that I love you more than anything and would never hurt you, I was trying so hard to be what you needed, and I thought you just needed time away. I knew my words were stressing you out, so I tried to take the stress away. I knew I wasn't helping anything, so I tried to help by not being there. How can I explain? How can i impart to you that my thoughts and heart were with you and I wanted more than anything to be there for you... I simply thought this was what you wanted. I never said the things you heard. I was never angry, I definitely wasn't angry for the reasons you heard. I am sorry you had to hear anything from anyone, but please please try to understand that those things weren't correct. You know me so well, you are one of my best friends.... have you ever known me to intentionally hurt someone? To force drama or pain or stress upon anyone? Why would I do that to you? I dont understand how you could think that... but I would never ever hurt you. I'd do anything for you. Obviously if I had known I would be making you angry I would have chosen different actions. Please understand!! I was never angry!!!!! I give my all to my friends, to my family, to the people I love. Without them I have nothing, and why would I give anything less to you? I wasn't being childish. Had I chosen the childish road I would have been angry at you for not accepting the things I said. For you to say I was childish breaks my heart, I have worked so very hard to grow up from what I was a long long time ago, before you ever knew me. Laura and Lindsey knew me then. If I have come no farther than that, then I have done nothing with my life; I have not grown at all. But I am telling you that every action was in your interest, not my own. And I hope my words make some sense, that the reality of what i am saying can overcome the assumptions that both of us have made. please please dont be angry.... it breaks my heart to know that it's my fault.....