i feel a movie night coming on.

Christmas was wonderful, as always. I like Christmas, I like being around my family, I like looking at the Christmas tree, I like turkey, I like surprise visits!, I like my puppy (even though she attacks me) and I liked this day. Good.

So the past three nights I have turned into my old self again... I knew I'd be back!! I am staying up till 3 writing and writing and thinking and writing. There's no other way I would rather spend my time. And with all this thinking I've unravelled some of the busy-ness that I have been trapped in. I've heard my own thoughts finally, given voice to my prayers, and I have such a renewed appreciation for silence.

You know what I love? I love legal pads. You know the yellow pads of paper that are long and lined and endless. Why? Cause I'm a dork, but I love it. And I love the fact that I have so many random writings... paragraphs, letters, poems, chapters... written all on this yellow paper... and it all falls out everytime i pick up my blue writing notebook. Most of them will never be read by anyone, but i just like the fact that they are there.

The sad thing is that I am going to have to print out this whole journal thing. I dont want to lose all the entries. I'm so weird, I save everything.

So... speaking of writing.... I know this is what I love. I hate to say, but I do love it more than music. Well.. there is something common to both genres, and that's the part I love, so I suppose they are equal in my mind. I just seem to express it better through writing. I love that language and music both make you feel something. They remind you to live.

So in semi-explanation to my previous post... I have been gaurding my heart. Guarding it like mad. Some of you (you know who!) may think that i've opened it, but you have no idea, it's safe. Except I think now maybe is the time to open up a little. Now. Now! I love so many people in my life, its amazing how blessed I am. I think now, however, God is winking at me. Lol.

So...

In other news, I am going to Disney World. Yup that's right, I cannot wait!!!!! I am so ready to see Cinderella's castle again. There is something magic about that place. Oh yeah and I am gonna ride about a bajillion roller coasters. This is going to be so much more awesome than New Orleans because I wont be in a crowd of mindless drunk people crushing me and sucking all the air out of a confined space. Instead, I will be on Space Mountain. Love it!

Then there is New Years Eve. I think we are at Universal that night. Fireworks, countdown, roller coasters, wonderful friends.... Despite that this is going to be the most wonderfully fun new years ever, I still just have to make it for those 10 seconds. I am strong. :)

I need to have some more fun than I already do!! Ahhh, but what is there to do for a non-drinking girl in athens? Hmmm I do love Blockbuster.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Find/Create fun things to do in Athens!

I wanna go ice skating!

So, yeah, random, but much more entertaining than my more common serious posts. :)

I got a new fleece blanket for Christmas. Oh sweet fleece, how do I love thee? It is so bedtime. Sweet Dreams.

This new clarity (see previous post) is somehow quite confusing.

but first, Merry Christmas!

Oh dear Lord, help me guard my heart! How can I have changed so much from what I was last year? How can I be this patient? How can i know what I heard and what You showed me and how can i still be so incredulous? I am this way because I am the only party to know, and I must watch the other discover slowly and I must not say anything..... This matter of timing I felt long long ago and on a whim ignored it, just to have God completely erase my mistake and return everything to normal.... to move time along on His plan.

Lord will I forever be an example? Will I forever be so mirrored and so reflective and so solitary? Will I forever be patient for a never outcome? I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and refused myself and my thoughts and my heart. I have taken the own words from my mouth so lightly, that I can ignore them and pretend they didn't happen. I can turn myself off to these things, this thing... but that is not what You want. I have to go through this if it kills me... and it might break me... it's very possible. But I might, just might, have the prayer of my life answered.

I'm not what everyone thinks... I'm really not. I'm not even what I think. And Lord, I know You love me... but will i always be so impervious to others? Am I so distant? Am I so different? I feel like I am involuntarily wearing armor and no one can ever really touch me. and what if i am never free?

someone out there, free me please! please...



this post turned out to be a prayer.......

God is AMAZING!!

The past few weeks I have been slightly confused and doubted the way I was going and I knew that tonight I just needed to do something. And tonight God just showed me what I needed to do. Plain and simple. I asked and bam! immediately, an answer.

That just makes me smile! :)

Ok, so what if I were to change majors, completely, to.... journalism? Magazine journalism specifically?

I know I know, I am crazy, and I go through this thought at the end of every semester. But really, I never see myself as a band director. It's such a noble cause but I don't know if that is really what I am supposed to be doing. But am I really supposed to be a magazine journalist or editor, however amazing that would be? And I always think about living in New York and travelling and living a life that band directors dont live. But can this life be combined with a life for God? That is the real question. I dont want to have the materialistic life... I want something meaningful. I guess God has a purpose in everything and I would find the right job to fulfil His purpose.

Ahhh but to write and travel and write and write and write and all day write. That would be amazing....

There are so many many things I miss. I am so tired of missing these things. I am so tired of knowing how much time stands before me. I am so tired of not knowing where I am going to be. I am so tired of knowing that everything I do has no purpose that I can claim, but instead has another purpose which I will never know. I am so tired of being the good girl, I am so tired of everyone thinking that I am 12, and I am so tired of no one really knowing me. But... I will still be the good girl. I don't want to change because I know I am where I am supposed to be. I understand where the path I have chosen might end, and I know where it began but I feel a little lost and little angry and .... I feel bare. Like I put myself out to the world and I just have to be strong and stand straight, because I put myself out there for everyone to know and see, but sometimes I think people see someone else or instead see straight through me.

"The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
'Meaningless! Meaningless!' says the Teacher. 'Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!'
What does man gain from his labor at which he toils under the sun?
Generations come and Generations go, but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.
To the place where the streams come from, there they return again.
All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say, 'Look! This is something new'?
It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.
There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow."

Ecclesiastes 1:1-11

Why must I know my choice and not the reason? What, Dear Lord, what am I doing? I will be patient forever, but I don't understand. I am content but so utterly aching, so completely bare and pale compared to all things. But I will stand and I will not move for no other reason but that I know I have to. I will use every last bit of strength to keep standing. I will not fall. But I may never understand why I may be the only one standing. And I know that if I rest just one moment, I will never get back up. And I hate knowing that no one understands and that I will receive no help and that its me alone; I am alone to serve my purpose.

I write though I know no one will understand exactly what I am talking about, just as I stand though no one knows why. And I will keep writing, just as I will keep standing, and one day there will be a purpose for both, and my words will be strong and i will be able to sit and cry and breathe and close my eyes. But now I stand and I write, forever i suppose........