I just got back from an amazing night at the John Mayer concert. Maroon 5 played too. It was just incredible, but John Mayer was the best part of the night. He really loves the music, you can tell.

The whole night just made me think. Of course, it was fun. But this guy goes after his dreams, and makes it. And I know I have crazy dreams of what I want to do. And people I know, people I know and love dearly, don't think I can accomplish these things. But I will. I love life too much to sit around and not go after these dreams. I have been thinking so much lately about what it is that makes me happy, because that is what I need to be doing with my life. Living a happy life, that's what anyone wants. And I have decided that helping people feel things the way I do, love life the way I do, and want more out of life is what I need to do. How? I don't know. I love music, and I realized tonight that it's a different type of music than I am studying right now. I need to find a way to bring that to people: the feeling I get watching a concert and knowing that I should get more from life. I need to find a way to inspire people like that. I don't want to live my life just for me...

But it will happen: I will accomplish whatever I am meant to accomplish, whether anyone thinks I can or not. It's ultimately up to God, not them. I will love, I will live, I will have adventures, I will be happy, I will cry, I will make music, I will write, and I will see new things. I will have a full life. I have no doubt at all...

I wonder when I stopped opening myself up to people? Hmm, I can think of a few key moments I suppose.

I realized that I have so much to protect within myself. But, I also have so much to give. I need to give more. I still believe that you receive what you give in life. I honestly believe that. I have to... otherwise my life means nothing. I have to give whatever I have in me... I wish I just knew what that was.

I can't find words tonight...

Goodnight...

Sometimes Friday nights are the best things in the world. After a whirl-wind couple of weeks, I just rested tonight. There was thunder, and rain, and my roommates, and finally my music and my own room. A place to sit, to think, to write. And it's funny the way certain songs can make me all better. That's why I am here I suppose. And these songs will never leave me. Iwill always know them. Somehow, that is comforting to know that I can always sing or play or listen...

I did miss something tonight...

I've found that I have some destructive behavior. I can identify it- destructive logic actually, but I don't know exactly how to change it. I know where I should be, and what I should be thinking. But coincidentally, the only way to cure this destructive behavior is to think before I feel... which somehow goes against my principles. I don't know what to do...

Oh. Man.

What a week.

So band camp has been wonderful this week. So much fun. I love my roommates and my girls and all the new people i am meeting and my neighbors. I can't wait for this year!

So... ahhh! I can't tell you!

I just watched a scary movie. I am not good at those. But the company was pertect. I had a million times fun. And pizza too.

Ah! goodnight. Early morning tomorrow. :) I can't wait!!!

While unpacking, I just found my box of photos and have been posting them up all over my new room. It's so odd to have all these old memories surrounding such a new environment. It's sad actually, and also promising. Some of these people I will never see again, and there are also new people that will soon cover my walls. I miss the old ones. I even somehow miss the new ones. I am unable to sit still right now, so ready to start this year. So many things will be different, and although it will be very difficult, I know I am doing the right thing. Today I really feel like I am on the right road, following everything I've ever wanted.

I wonder what I will say about this year in retrospect. Will I have been naive? Will I have been inspired? I don't know where my memories will be, or with whom. But I thank God for all the people I just put up on my wall. I've been alone in the house all week, and I have had so much time to think. I wrote, but for myself. I haven't found the words to post on here so far. Actually, it's just been an introspective week: peaceful and quiet and small and bright. Moving has been cathartic. I feel clean. That's what this next year should be: clean, pure, simple, and absolutely the brightest year I've ever had. I am following the path that's been waiting for me all of my life, how could this year be anything but what it should be?

I've been thinking about the idea of karma lately. I think people get what they put out into the world. I truly believe that. I think if you love, you will receive that back somehow. I think if you hate, you will receive that as well. This thought has put a different perspective on my actions lately. Maybe this is me growing up. Or better yet, returning to the rights and wrongs of childhood. But in order to be the best person I can be right now, I absolutely must believe this in some form. Because I know I have much more to give than I am giving right now. And that's what this year will be about.

Round and round
carousel
has it got you under it's spell?
moving so fast
but going nowhere

Up and down,
ferris wheel,
tell me how does it feel
to be so high...
looking down here...

Is it lonely?
Lonely
Lonely

Did the clown
make you smile?
He was only your fool
for a while,
And left you wandering there.

Is it lonely?
Lonely
Lonely

~Norah Jones, Carnival Town

This house thing is fun :)

And peaceful. And I feel productive. Which is a good start to the year. I didn't feel very productive last year. And my room is full of books and music! The only thing I need now for it to be complete is a guitar. I really want to learn. Hmm... I'll work on that, since I am feeling productive.

Anyway, please come visit me! I would be so happy!

Time to go :)

Taking a break from packing & painting. New CDs that I am in looooooove with : Gavin DeGraw, Jamie Cullam, Peter Cincotti... gavin is the best one right now though. Temporarily, he is getting more air time than my john mayer cd's. which says a lot. he rocks my face off, and he and peter cincotti are going to have to fight it out with john mayer to see who gets to be my future husband. and jake gyllenhaal. haha, kyle i bet you thought that was funny.

yesterday: too many baby powder fembots.... scary stuff right there. Sorry Jessie. lol.

Move in TOMORROW!!!! Yikes. Could be a ton of fun or a lot of stress. I hope I get some kind of tv hooked up tomorrow. Or internet. First night in new house will be scary!!!!

I FINALLY GOT TO SEE LINDSEY!!!!!!!! she is gone too much. love love her.

ok, time for more packing, some chocolate, and some gavin degraw. :)