Hmmm... random people that i don't know commenting on my journal.... weird...

Go dawgs... that's all I have to say about this weekend.

Thank goodness for no music history test tomorrow.

Boo for observations.

Also boo for way too many rehearsals tomorrow.

Yay for sleep tonight!! Sometimes I forget how much i looooooooooooooooooooooove sleep. So goodnight. :)

Some things are better left to tomorrow...

Why did this week have to be the week? I am lost and sad and lonely this week. I don't know the answers, I don't know how to fix things. My heart is breaking cause I don't know how to fix, I don't know the problem, I don't know at all... I don't know, and I feel so blinded. I feel transparent. I don't know what I need, I don't know at all. I just know that something is different this week that is driving me crazy, pulling things out of me that I didn't know were still there. Making me miss things. Perhaps I love people too much. And perhaps I am just terrible at showing it.

I'm trying to think of all the things that were my fault, and there are many...

i can't, i can't understand why i am so transparent, so ordinary, so meaningless now. i admit, i can't understand that.

everything in my body hurts. everything in my mind hurts. everything in my heart hurts. i don't laugh at the same things anymore. I don't smile the same way.

I don't know why I am writing this... perhaps my only way at attempting to be less invisible. i don't know why it still matters. i don't know anything, i don't know what to do...

are people out there?! are you out there??!? i just want to be found, and not lost anymore... not the background. i am worth more than that...

i am worth many things...

Despite certain parts of the day, I felt completely not like myself. I felt completely down and overwhelmed by so many things I wasn't expecting to be overwhelmed with today.

School is raining down hard, right now. I'm working harder and studying more than I have probably in three years. Perhaps I am working myself to death. I don't know how people have time to sleep. I don't. If I sleep, I sacrifice something I should be doing. It wasn't always like this, was it? It get's easier, right? Please someone, tell me yes.

I used to be able to stay awake.

I can't stand sitting in class everyday and thinking the thoughts that I do. Am I so easy to forget? To throw away? Why does it even matter anymore...I hate that I miss some things, so very very much, even though I am so invisible. I hate being so invisible; this is perhaps what makes me the saddest.

I've given in to never understanding some things, but I don't know why I still think about them.
My mind is too stubborn to forget, and so is my heart, and perhaps therein lies the problem.

I can't really concentrate on school work right now, so I guess I will just go to bed, so I can go to another long day of class tomorrow. Please, leave me love. I need it very badly right now. Goodnight...

Dear God, please send me something to make me laugh.....

I liked all the rain today. Getting soaking wet is kind of fun sometimes. But I think just about everything is fun.

Apparently I need to change that picture on my profile? Someone said it wasn't at my hotness potential. Lol. Sweet. Oh well, it works for me. Actually, me and Lindsey are just awesome so it stays up there for now.

PS- I so spiced up my profile. Now it even has my screen name on it, and then some other stuff! Crazy, I know. Screen name was probably not the smartest idea. But maybe more people will talk to me now. Speaking of... leave more comments on my blog!!! You guys are boring. Should I perhaps provide topics on which to comment?

How about this one... chocolate milk, or strawberry milk? Personally, I'm a strawberry milk kind of girl. Oh my goodness, there is nothing better than strawberry milk and butter cookies. Seriously, if you have never had strawberry milk, I will make you a glass and bring you some butter cookies and you will have to dip the cookies in the milk until they are all strawberry-y and then eat them and then drink the milk. It's the most amazing thing ever.

Comments? Bueler...? Anyone?.....

Also of note: I have been listening to the Garden State Soundtrack all afternoon. It's so mellow and smooth- perfect for a rainy afternoon. It's quirky too, which is what makes it so listenable. you can find something different in it everytime you listen to it. In other music news, yesterday I rediscovered Tchaik 4 and 5, and how much I am in love with them.

So, I guess I should go to bed. Goodnight... leave comments :)

First things firts... this is my 151st post!!! That is all at once awesome and sad, because I have had enough time to write over 30,000 words on here. I just figured all this stuff out because I just learned how to view my profile. But 30,000 is a lot. For some reason I am sort of excited about that. Hmm... oh well.

Also, go Braves!!

I like this time of year when the days are still pretty warm but at night and early in the morning it is so cool and breezy. I love bringing out all my sweaters and scarves and coats. I love coats, times five. I wonder if that is somehow symbolic, my addiction to warm coats and sweaters. I love winter. I like the way your face gets so cold that it just feels clean, and I love how smooth your hair feels when it is freezing outside. I like that first second you come inside and it's so warm and it just feels amazing. I also like that first day when you walk outside and realize it's actually fall and you didn't really dress warm enough. So the whole day you are hurrying to get inside and just can't wait to get home and get in bed and then you have the best night's sleep of the whole entire year, just because your bed is warm. That day is awesome, and I can't wait for that day.

Ooooo and popcorn and apples are so good in winter. Not together. But oh man that just made me remember thanksgiving dinner. There is too much to look forward to right now!

Lindsey found cheap roundtrip tickets to Paris... I think we might go.

.....PARIS!!!!!!!

So, I am at home this weekend, and every time I come home I realize just how fantastic my puppy is. She is crazy. She thinks she can talk. She makes this little "coo" sound when she is playing with her squeaky toys (of which she is very picky... she only likes this one type of toy that can only be found at the dollar store.). She also does this thing where she just walks around carrying her little squeaky toy and then she'll see you and immediately roll over and just lay on her back and make a really sad face until you pay attention to her. Good grief, I want a dog for my Athens house SOOOOOOOOOO bad. Any dog. I would even take a chiuaua... (that is the most ridiculous word to spell ever in the history of the world...). If I weren't gone about 20 hours a day, I would so have a dog right now.

I'm so sleepy but I don't want it to be tomorrow. Saturdays are such sleepy days and I have so much to do tomorrow. Oh well, goodnight!! Back in Athens tomorrow...

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Some goodnight Norah Jones for you....

Hmmm, normal functioning today is out of the question. Perhaps some Chef Boyardee Mini-Ravioli will help?? Obviously....

Defeinitely took a HUGE nap today. It was awesome.

Also awesome- staying up way too late. Not awesome- getting up early to observe fifth graders. Awesome- P Diddy's nephew was in the class that I observed. Not awesome- I had to perform "Home, Home on the Range." Awesome- big nap that followed short Friday.

I told myself I was going to get so much reading and practicing done this weekend but at this point I don't really know if that is going to happen.

Well apparently I thought I had interesting things to say, but I am having trouble remembering them right now so I guess I'm out for now... probably going to take another awesome nap...

At times lately, I have felt just a little bit numb. Like my life isn't real right now. As if I just temporary. Which I suppose technically I am, but I don't mean like that. I mean I feel as if I am just not here all the time. I keep zoning out and this one song is stuck in my head.

I'm so confused.

I need to get away from here.

But somehow I am happy here too.

Goodnight.

at some point today i had a thought i wanted to include here... i can't remember though

i love the way some movies have soundtracks that can make a simple character staring at a wall into the most emotional scene ever. i love music. i love good music that people actually cared about writing, and not about selling...

i love reeses pieces...

i love having that one secret...

i love staying up way too late, because i feel more alive... and that's all we really have, right?

i love the people that are always there for me...
(maybe you'll just read this one day, but...you know i never stopped being there for you, please tell me you know that...)

i love laying around in my bed with nothing to do, when the sun is up and you can hear everything outside your window...

i love driving with the windows down...

i love that the nights and mornings are cold now...

i love what i miss

i love what i do not know

i love what i want to know

i love blankets...

and on that note, goodnight, love to all....

oh loves, if you only knew. :)

How can life be so full and so empty all at the same time? Every minute of my day is full, which makes the free minutes so much more meaningful. But sometimes, I wonder if this is what life was about? To whom am I proving myself if no one remembers my name? Will I lose the dreams i have right now? Will they someday just be a part of me that i never revisit? I hope not, with all my heart.

There are however some dreams I can never revisit. Some things in this world I do not look for anymore. Some things that I am learning even now, do not prevail... except in my own heart. Little dreams that I must forever keep quiet. Things that, on small nights like these, will give me some sort of hope of treating my life as more than just a calendar. And at the same time, make me feel so far away from the rest of the world.

Today felt like storms. Like this should have been a nap afternoon with thunder and constant rain on the window.

I think I do a very good job of hiding things, and a very bad job at expecting people to know when I am hurt. Can people tell when I am not myself? Can they tell when I want to cry? The real questions is, do they care? Sometimes all the rooms I am in, all the halls I walk through, they just seem to echo with ordinary, everyday sounds; and I go around, excpecting to hear music echoing in cathedrals. Or I do hear music, but can't for the life of me understand how others can't hear it. And it does make me feel so very very alone.

And everyday I can't wait to climb into bed, because when I go to sleep I remember things, those things I have to hide away. And there, sleeping, it's ok. Everything's ok. Just like it will be again someday. But right now, truthfully, things are not ok. Soon, though... soon.

Goodnight.... time to rest...

Do you ever notice the quiet times? Today was one. Feeling like rain, waking up late, losing hours in music...

Today, I seriously considered quitting a semester of school and booking a flight to Paris. No where to stay, no money, no plans... no school. No one I know. A different language. One day, maybe I'll be able to just drop everything. Until then... I am still here.

I find myself wondering whether one should follow her sense of fairness, or her heart. Wait for what she knows is out there, or submit to the present.

*Sigh* I know the answer to that. But where is it? Where is that which I am looking for? On its way I hope...

Until the next time I have a spare moment to think, I leave you with that...

Today was a sad day, somehow. Although I had a lot of fun today, I was just very introspective. There are so many things whirling around me right now, and i am trying to find a place to just sit. And there are so many things I want to get out and do.

Do you ever feel like no one really knows you? Do you ever feel lonely even when you are surrounded by people? I feel like I am in some midnight somewhere. Like I am struggling to stay awake just because...

I need... something. I don't know what it is. No, I do know what it is, but I suppose I will save that thought for later.

I suppose I just want the only thing I feel is missing from my life right now... and nobody knows...