How can life be so full and so empty all at the same time? Every minute of my day is full, which makes the free minutes so much more meaningful. But sometimes, I wonder if this is what life was about? To whom am I proving myself if no one remembers my name? Will I lose the dreams i have right now? Will they someday just be a part of me that i never revisit? I hope not, with all my heart.
There are however some dreams I can never revisit. Some things in this world I do not look for anymore. Some things that I am learning even now, do not prevail... except in my own heart. Little dreams that I must forever keep quiet. Things that, on small nights like these, will give me some sort of hope of treating my life as more than just a calendar. And at the same time, make me feel so far away from the rest of the world.
Today felt like storms. Like this should have been a nap afternoon with thunder and constant rain on the window.
I think I do a very good job of hiding things, and a very bad job at expecting people to know when I am hurt. Can people tell when I am not myself? Can they tell when I want to cry? The real questions is, do they care? Sometimes all the rooms I am in, all the halls I walk through, they just seem to echo with ordinary, everyday sounds; and I go around, excpecting to hear music echoing in cathedrals. Or I do hear music, but can't for the life of me understand how others can't hear it. And it does make me feel so very very alone.
And everyday I can't wait to climb into bed, because when I go to sleep I remember things, those things I have to hide away. And there, sleeping, it's ok. Everything's ok. Just like it will be again someday. But right now, truthfully, things are not ok. Soon, though... soon.
Goodnight.... time to rest...
2 Comments:
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee." Now, my question, is why does this bell toll? this bell tolls to put a little music into your life. This bell isn't the death knoll, this bell is the sound of one bell. One bell in a giant cathedral. YOUR bell. The only thing is, what good is one bell. To make music, you need more than one note. Now, each person has their own note, their own specific key. Combine them, and you get a wonderful orchestral chime of magnificent proportions. But there is another aspect that is needed for all these bells to work right. No bell can have the exact same note. There can be those extremely close, but not exact for one major reason. If all the bells were the same, you would get this resonance, and this comman resonance would build until all the bells destroyed themselves. So while you might have some that can feels eachother ringing, there are far more who have no clue what happens when you chime into this harmonic world. I dunno, kind of in a funky philosophical mood, but maybe my words will help. -Sam
To whom am I proving myself if no one remembers my name?I dunno if you're thinking in wide terms, but I know there are plenty of people who will remember you. Maybe not as many as if you discovered a cure for cancer, but I'm sure you'll be remembered very fondly.
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