If only I were not so vague; if only I had the courage for detail, for name. I did once, but it was not bravery, it was more blind momentum. And for that lack of thought and prayer and timing, I immediately whirled myself into the exact same path. I solved nothing, sparked nothing, learning only that my actions mean nothing without thought. What a simple lesson. Now I know. And before it was no better; no better to wait silently for months, for years, only to find that all ihad ever needed was to speak. Now I have touched both extremes and must learn somehow to find the medium. I must speak, but I must first know when and how and why... I must know why I want to say the words. I must be certain that I am not blind in thought, and i must know that my reasons are true. But i must forever be vague here... God knows my true words... and so does my other journal... the real one.

If only i could say more....

I will just have to sit still and wait, and be patient, and watch the world go by for a little while. I must learn to simply breathe for if I try, even just a little, to take control, i will simply throw myself off course. And I also must learn to love simply riding, releasing control of the wheel. Watching the scenery. I just have to learn to view my life as a long drive through the night. A long drive to Savannah through lots of big fields and past gorgeous old houses and through the dark night.. and this is where i must learn to look up and take in the night air, and look at the stars, and listen to the blue sounds of the night time. That is what my life must be to me. I am going back to a home of sorts, I feel it and I know it and I know the roads I travel, and I cannot wait to be there.

But i do love the long long starry drive.

I'm so very very close.

So close that I can hear and see and feel and smell and dream as if it was real. So very very close and still not there. And I am so at peace with it all, except for tonight, when i am still there in a very real dream that is seems to pass in and out of solidity to me. One minute I can see through to the next dream and one minute it is all that is before me.

So when is the point when i wake up? Or is it that I must decide first whether this real, and if it is, I must somehow learn to keep it, and if it will forever be a dream, i must find out how to walk through it to the next one?

And this dream smells like Christmas to me, like pinetrees and cold air and apples and spice and and sweaters and warmth. This dream is vivid to me, like a lense I see through that makes the world a million times more distinct and sharp.
And I woke up every hour last night almost and the dream continued from sleep to coherence for a few moments, and I would then realize that something very tiny was missing, and it was not a feeling or a difference in thinking... merely a simple physical inconsistancy. But never have I wanted more to sleep, where dreams are the only reality.

Oh Lord, please hold my hand and walk me through the fog, or hold me while it passes over me, or teach me to see it as it really is. Please...

Several requests for a new blog. Guess what! It's here!

Except I really don't have much to write about... I'm not stressed. I'm happy. I'm just going with whatever happens right now because I can't do anything about life. Except study, practice, blah blah all the stuff I am supposed to do.

Actually, I have a lot to write about. Lately, a lot. Just haven't really felt like writing, which is probably not a good sign. I don't know. Everything that happens lately just seems to make sense, and it doesn't bother me. I know where I want to go in life and I do all that I can to get there. And the things that really don't matter in life, really don't matter to me anymore. Sweet.

Not that I have no enthusiasm for life right now. That's not it at all. I have more energy than I have ever had. I just wish... hmmmm i don't know. I wish that life were a movie of sorts... because I would know exactly where mine was going and exactly the purpose of each character. But obviously I don't know these things. I would however need a theme song of sorts if my life were a movie... interesting.... perhaps.... Fly Away from Moulin Rouge? Too sad... um.... needs some sort of beat....

suggestions?
night.........