Well, today was nice. Not great, not bad, simply nice. Worked out. Did homework. Felt pretty productive.
But somehow... still thinking about everything. Maybe that's why today was nice, because I had some thinking time inthe midst of a busy schedule.

I am just trying to be me, and at the same time, protect myself. And in doing so, I think I've internalized many things. I've internalized what used to be obvious; all my reactions, my fears, my sad moods... those are all now very private. I hardly let them out. When they do appear, I try to put them back. Somehow, I've changed from the girl who wore her whole heart on her sleeve in high school to someone who keeps her heart stowed away quite safely. It's dangerous to let that out... I know this. It's now almost impossible... and I think only one person somewhere out there will be able to do so. My girls know me, they know everything about me... I let them in on everything. But everyone else... i don't know if I can. It's a little sad... knowing that these faces I see, the eyes that look at me.... they aren't really seeing me. They make their conjectures and split second judgements (as we all are apt to do) and yet, they simply cannot see. And so sometimes I can't (or won't) explain the why's and how's... because if I do, it will make no sense, although the why's and how's of my head and heart do follow strict logic. I don't like when things are serious. I just want to laugh and relax and bypass the forced discussions.

That's my only rebellious desire... just a little freedom before reality kicks in when I graduate. Sometimes I see it in my parents eyes... the reality of everything. I'm not there yet. And sometimes, I have to take some of that reality.. and that's when I can't keep myself from crying. I've grown expert at holding my tears... but that's something I'm not immune to. I am trying to live life very slowly, very deliberately (thank you, Thoreau), and it is working for the most part.

Anyway, how's that for a bunch of random thoughts. It's time to wrap myself in my favorite warm blanket (blue side up, as always) and dream and sleep and listen to some john mayer. Something about his voice is just so very soothing...

mmmm dreaming of that....

I was in a bad mood earlier today, but my mood greatly improved when Cortney and I got crunk in our hip hop aerobics class. We are so awesome. Lol

Yeah so ICE DAY 2004 was a success... I saw a lot of movies and ate a lot of junk food. Which is exactly what ice days are for. If it had been a snow day, there would have been a much different game plan.
I am however, trying to find things to do with my time. A job perhaps. Aerobic classes. Homework even (blech). We'll see.

Hmmmmm.... sooo.... how is it that Spring Semester seems just a little bit lonelier? And for one thing, what is up with all the couples I know? If they aren't engaged, they are having problems or breaking up. Seriously... you think maybe something is in the air around here? Maybe I am the anti-Cupid. Think about that for a change. Or maybe everyone is just stressed.

Today in economics I zoned out (Dr. Snow just does not inspire good concentration), and I started involuntarily analyzing myself and my actions in economic technical terms. Like, I was calculating my marginal opportunity cost of being me. Yeah... then I realized just how very weird that was. Except later I will probably go write it all down.

How do you get poetry published? I mean, obviously writing good poetry is a prerequisite for that, but what do you do when you decide to ignore that requisite and try to get published anyway? Just thinking....

Well, I have to go to Walmart and then go watch Gilmore Girls. FBG's 4 life baby.

i have the best friends ever. tonight was the perfect night :)

love~

I am 20!!! I am so old! Man, I remember turning 10. And that was a decade ago! Crazy!

God has really blessed me with an incredible family and wonderful friends. I smiled a lot today... and this whole weekend. And really, this whole semester I have come to a greater appreciation of what God has blessed in my life. I have more than I could ever need.

And stress is recently so trivial... arguments, homework, wondering... it really makes no big difference. But cold mornings, my warm bed, cinnamon toast crunch, guitar sounds, showers, sleep, movies, reading, new pyjamas, new people, old people... those are the only things that make sense anymore. Well.. those are at least on the list of things that make sense.

Everything I have been through up until this year has been such a roller coaster for me, and now I've been able to overcome that. My whole sophomore year has been less worried, less stressed, and so very calm... and I've had my share of adventures this year ;) but overall I so far can just think back and smile and know that I've lived that part of my life the best that I could. That's a very nice feeling.

And on that thought, I am going to go to bed.

"I know you
I waltzed with you once upon a dream
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yet, I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem
But If I know you, I know what you’ll do
You’ll love me at once
The way you did once upon a dream"

ahhhhhhh goodnight and sweet dreams

Everything I have ever written in this journal is simply trivial, compared to all else.

I can't really explain what I am thinking or feeling. I'm pretty dazed. I just want to find Amy and hug her. Amy if you ever see this just know that I love you so so much. I'll be here for anything you ever need!

There's nothing else to write at the moment... what words can do any justice?

I wish I was with my family right now.

Goodnight, may God be with us all tonight....

Ok, i just have to make it until Lindsey comes to visit and then Sunday when I can go shopping with the Tech girls.

Obviously I am slightly stressed. I just finished my theory paper, I am going to go take a hot shower, then I am going to go to bed and pretend that I just had a wonderful day. Then I am gonna get up way too early and go to piano with a teacher that talks way too slowly, and then spend the rest of the day in the school of music. After that, going to work out.

Gah i just want to cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Welp, that's where i am going right now. I can't do anything right.

Goodnight, and to reiterate....

BAH!

Hmmmm remember that time when I had so much nervous excited energy I had no clue what to do with myself? Oh yeah that's right now.

"Something's Coming"

No for real...

ACK!

Man I had a really good dream when I was napping today. Off to dream some more I hope!!

Love~

that hurt... a lot.

asymptote...

I forgot that spring semester leaves so much more time to think.

Lately I've been really quiet. I mean, sometimes I'm pretty normal I guess, but other times I just... I don't know. I have a lot of things to think about and not many answers. I have so many wonderful friends and family that love me... and God is always there, but right now, I just feel really alone. Lonely. Like I say things but have no one to hear my words. Or like I could listen for a million years but have forgotten how to speak. It's like all my ambition, all my thoughts, everything that I am made of, doesn't exist outside of my mind. Like I am a ghost or something, someone people think they see but can't really be sure. Or they can't remember if they saw me or not. When I am not right in front of people, I don't exist.

I've been very tired lately, not physically, but emotionally. Tired of being myself when it really doesn't make a difference; when i feel like i've tried my absolute hardest to be the best person I could be for so very long and I am in this dense fog. I can't see where I am going. I can't even see where I am. And there's no one there to find me. There's no one looking to find me. And in that sense I am alone. And all I want is some solid ground. A direction to walk in. But I am blindly walking, stumbling rather, hands before me in case I fall... but I do so silently. I suppose God is teaching me to stand up to harder things ahead.

I've made several discoveries lately about myself. I no longer have the desire to drink. There was once a great temptation, and I fought that, and now, I cannot ever see why I would want to go get drunk. I've somehow ridden out the temptation. More importantly, I don't have the desire to date. I used to think that I wanted to be the girl who got asked to go places, who went to dinner with a guy to get to know him. I don't want that. I don't want to go anywhere with someone who doesnt even know me and asks me out cause they think I am pretty or something (since that happens all the time...yeah). And in fact I've never fallen for anyone that way. I've forgotten my past idea of dating and instead just want something amazing. And that's all I've ever wanted and all I ever will. I just want that thing that happens because its right; I don't want the game, all the wondering, all the awkwardness. I don't want all the waiting for the phone to ring and all the jealousies. I've become more trusting... I have more faith in people. The next time I love, it's going to be comfortable. No jealousy- I'm past that in my life, and whoever it is I am going to be able to trust him anyway. No worrying. No stress. It's not supposed to be like that, in my mind. And these are things that have changed in me recently. I don't like most of the college relationships around me. At one point, they made sense to me, but now, they don't at all. I am just going to be comfortable. I want to be with someone who makes me sleepy... not because they are boring, not at all. But because I would trust him and feel safe with him and be completely comfortable with him. And whoever this guy is, whenever I fall in love, I miss him right now, though I don't even know who he is. I miss the whole thing. And that's what's wrong with me I guess. I miss something, someone, and i don't know who it is.

And there's my love song for no one.

current mood: whatever

it seems that no matter what i do, or how hard i try, my life approaches this line (there is a mathematical term that i cant remember right now) that it will never ever touch. And I wonder what I am doing. does it get better? do i get out of this familiarity? do i have to stay in this place forever??

guess i'll be figuring that out at some point

One day I'll fly away... leave all this to yesterday......

Please.

Being that cinnamon is my favorite flavor, and cinnamon toast crunch is my favorite cereal, i buy those little cinnamon toast crunch cereal bars at walmart for my breakfast. But everytime I just imagine them being so good, so I always have to have one the night that I buy them. I just thought of that cause in fact I am eating one right now. Yum.

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me!
I'm begging you to beg me....

indeed. what a fun song. definitely been singing it lately. heard it on new years. mmm fun

so classes start tomorrow and it starts all over again. somehow though, i am excited. I love just mixing things up. I even have some non-music classes. Crazy, I know. Econ, Marine Science, and my fave, la francais. That one should be really fun I think.

Idea... New york for spring break?? Hmmm what do you think?

And I have to apply for study abroad reallllllllly soon! I've narrowed it down to Paris or Montpellier. Depends on if I want to get French credits or live in my dream city. Hmmm..... tough choice....

Dang it, classes tomorrow, guess I should sleep. night then, good luck

Tonight is Morgon night!! Which almost definitely means chick flick and some sort of dessert food. Yes indeed. That is my kind of night. :)

I went on a media spree today, two dvd's and a cd. Bought "When Harry Met Sally" (aweseome, love it, its a classic), "West Side Story" (Yeah even more awesome), and cd by Maroon 5 which turned about to be really good music. So, this day is deemed a success by my terms.

Athens tomorrow, can't wait. :)

Love~

There's something in your eyes
That makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms.....

Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

Hmmm..... that song has been in my head all day. Weird. It's a beautiful song though. I've decided I need to listen to more music. I get very comfortable in my music collection and don't venture out too much. More music, less whatever else.

I just got all my pictures develloped from all of college. Some are cute. There are three that i desperately want to burn. Lol, and I have never had that desire to burn pics before. But they aren't pics of me. Hmmm... fun. But there are some adorable pics of the girls!!! I cant wait to redecorate my dorm with all these new pics.

I miss athens!! And all the people! And i love spring in Athens so much! Knowing that the semester is just going to keep getting warmer and warmer makes classes so much better and everything is much more lighthearted. Not to mention I have a life now that Redcoats doesnt suck up my evenings and weekends. Well, I have the potential to have a life. I could instead just have a lot of extra time and nothing to do. That is the very reason why I plan to work out and utilize my new sewing machine. Seriously, I have no muscles. That is plan for this semester, to remedy that. And I also want to get some Norah Jones sheet music and learn the piano parts to her songs, maybe some old ratpack standards.

I have so many aspirations for this semester. I LOVE spring semester. Oh and also about a billion good movies are coming out. Such as Troy. I can't wait.

So tonight I walked outside and it felt like springtime. The weirdest part was that as soon as I breathed in I got a sudden flashback to Nitchie's pool in the summer after my freshman year. Those times were crazy amazing. Props to the ragmen and Morg, if y'all are reading. Hmm, frogs and swimming and so much fun.

People I miss: my brother, the ragmen (all of you!), Morg, Linds, Jeremy, JV, Morg some more, all the Tech Brownies, Mr. Magner (lol), Athens (ok ok it is a city, i know... and maybe even Blue Ridge too if we are going for places!), Rory, Sarah Greenwood, K8, Shelley, Lauren Foust, in fact... all the FBG's/Gilmore Girls, AP Calc class 2nd semester, Mrs. Jackson (lol JV and Sarah, hush up), Kerrie N., Chris W. and Sandy, MPenn Emmyjay Steven and all the guys, and well... maybe one more.

Ok well, my entries have been sort of random lately, but much more entertaining i think. :) I am ready for a full out girls night, i'm thinking reunion in the ATL, at the spaghetti factory. I'll get to work on that. Athens girls, we'll carpool.

I'm out, although not tired at all. :) Love~

Could be!Who knows?
There's something due any day
I will know, right away
Soon as it shows
It may come connanballing down
Through the sky
Gleam in its eye,
bright as rose

Who knows?
It's only just out of reach
Down the block, on a beach
Under a tree
I got a feeling there's a miracle due
Gonna come true, comin' to me...

Could it be, yes, it could
Something's comin', something good
If I can wait!
Something's comin',
I don't know what it is
But it is gonna be great!
With a click, with a shock ,
Phone'll jingle, door will knock,
Open the latch!
Something's comin',
Don't know when
But it's soon
Catch the moon,
One-handed catch!
Around the corner,
Or whistlin' down the river
Come on, deliver to me!
Will it be?
Yes, it will!
Maybe just by holding still,
It'll be there!
Come on, something,
Come on in,
Don't be shy,
Meet a guy,
Pull up a chair!
The air is humming
And something great is coming!
Who knows?It's only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,

Maybe tonight...Maybe tonight...Maybe tonight...!

There's some awesome West Side Story for ya, which is definitely what i am thinkin right now. Something is so coming. You know you are happy when you have a bunch of Gershwin, Sinatra, and Bernstein tunes racing through your head. All the old swingy jazzy stuff that you just want to go dance to in your pyjama's. Yeah that's me. lol. AH!

AHH!

K I am done. Last night I definitely woke up at 4 and watched the food network for about 45 minutes cause I just felt awake. But I fell back asleep.

I can't wait for this semester!!!!! I really cant! I think I am going to learn so much, and not just in class. I feel like God has so much in store for this semester and this summer and next year! I am so excited I can't sit still. I want to sing really loud! It's so weird though, i am about to turn 20!!!!! That's so old! I don't feel old, and apparently I don't act that old, lol. But still, it's kind of cool!

YIKES!!! Must stop singing! Ahh!

Wow, just got back from five days in Orlando. I had the best time ever.

We did three parades, pregame, halftime, two practices, and last but definitely not least a bowl game.... and i am really sore and exhausted but it was definitely all worth it. We got to go to Disney World for a little while the day before New Years Eve.

New Years Eve, however, was SO amazing. It was probably the most fun I have had in a long time. I love roller coasters, especially at night, and I love New Years Eve, and I love he little New Years Eve party hats and i love fireworks. I just loved everything about that night and I can't wait to get my pictures develloped. Props to John, Jessie, Cortney, Teti, and Brit for being soooooo much fun! You know those days you have where you get to bed and you are just smiling cause you had so much fun... and that feeling last for like a week where you just smile when you are going to sleep cause you can't believe how much fun you had? Definitely feelin that from those few days in Orlando.

So on that note, YAY! I'm going to go smile and watch some tv and sleep and be awesomely happy. :) lol yay lol