I forgot that spring semester leaves so much more time to think.

Lately I've been really quiet. I mean, sometimes I'm pretty normal I guess, but other times I just... I don't know. I have a lot of things to think about and not many answers. I have so many wonderful friends and family that love me... and God is always there, but right now, I just feel really alone. Lonely. Like I say things but have no one to hear my words. Or like I could listen for a million years but have forgotten how to speak. It's like all my ambition, all my thoughts, everything that I am made of, doesn't exist outside of my mind. Like I am a ghost or something, someone people think they see but can't really be sure. Or they can't remember if they saw me or not. When I am not right in front of people, I don't exist.

I've been very tired lately, not physically, but emotionally. Tired of being myself when it really doesn't make a difference; when i feel like i've tried my absolute hardest to be the best person I could be for so very long and I am in this dense fog. I can't see where I am going. I can't even see where I am. And there's no one there to find me. There's no one looking to find me. And in that sense I am alone. And all I want is some solid ground. A direction to walk in. But I am blindly walking, stumbling rather, hands before me in case I fall... but I do so silently. I suppose God is teaching me to stand up to harder things ahead.

I've made several discoveries lately about myself. I no longer have the desire to drink. There was once a great temptation, and I fought that, and now, I cannot ever see why I would want to go get drunk. I've somehow ridden out the temptation. More importantly, I don't have the desire to date. I used to think that I wanted to be the girl who got asked to go places, who went to dinner with a guy to get to know him. I don't want that. I don't want to go anywhere with someone who doesnt even know me and asks me out cause they think I am pretty or something (since that happens all the time...yeah). And in fact I've never fallen for anyone that way. I've forgotten my past idea of dating and instead just want something amazing. And that's all I've ever wanted and all I ever will. I just want that thing that happens because its right; I don't want the game, all the wondering, all the awkwardness. I don't want all the waiting for the phone to ring and all the jealousies. I've become more trusting... I have more faith in people. The next time I love, it's going to be comfortable. No jealousy- I'm past that in my life, and whoever it is I am going to be able to trust him anyway. No worrying. No stress. It's not supposed to be like that, in my mind. And these are things that have changed in me recently. I don't like most of the college relationships around me. At one point, they made sense to me, but now, they don't at all. I am just going to be comfortable. I want to be with someone who makes me sleepy... not because they are boring, not at all. But because I would trust him and feel safe with him and be completely comfortable with him. And whoever this guy is, whenever I fall in love, I miss him right now, though I don't even know who he is. I miss the whole thing. And that's what's wrong with me I guess. I miss something, someone, and i don't know who it is.

And there's my love song for no one.