This new clarity (see previous post) is somehow quite confusing.

but first, Merry Christmas!

Oh dear Lord, help me guard my heart! How can I have changed so much from what I was last year? How can I be this patient? How can i know what I heard and what You showed me and how can i still be so incredulous? I am this way because I am the only party to know, and I must watch the other discover slowly and I must not say anything..... This matter of timing I felt long long ago and on a whim ignored it, just to have God completely erase my mistake and return everything to normal.... to move time along on His plan.

Lord will I forever be an example? Will I forever be so mirrored and so reflective and so solitary? Will I forever be patient for a never outcome? I have prayed and prayed and prayed, and refused myself and my thoughts and my heart. I have taken the own words from my mouth so lightly, that I can ignore them and pretend they didn't happen. I can turn myself off to these things, this thing... but that is not what You want. I have to go through this if it kills me... and it might break me... it's very possible. But I might, just might, have the prayer of my life answered.

I'm not what everyone thinks... I'm really not. I'm not even what I think. And Lord, I know You love me... but will i always be so impervious to others? Am I so distant? Am I so different? I feel like I am involuntarily wearing armor and no one can ever really touch me. and what if i am never free?

someone out there, free me please! please...



this post turned out to be a prayer.......