There are so many many things I miss. I am so tired of missing these things. I am so tired of knowing how much time stands before me. I am so tired of not knowing where I am going to be. I am so tired of knowing that everything I do has no purpose that I can claim, but instead has another purpose which I will never know. I am so tired of being the good girl, I am so tired of everyone thinking that I am 12, and I am so tired of no one really knowing me. But... I will still be the good girl. I don't want to change because I know I am where I am supposed to be. I understand where the path I have chosen might end, and I know where it began but I feel a little lost and little angry and .... I feel bare. Like I put myself out to the world and I just have to be strong and stand straight, because I put myself out there for everyone to know and see, but sometimes I think people see someone else or instead see straight through me.

"The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
'Meaningless! Meaningless!' says the Teacher. 'Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!'
What does man gain from his labor at which he toils under the sun?
Generations come and Generations go, but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.
To the place where the streams come from, there they return again.
All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say, 'Look! This is something new'?
It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.
There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow."

Ecclesiastes 1:1-11

Why must I know my choice and not the reason? What, Dear Lord, what am I doing? I will be patient forever, but I don't understand. I am content but so utterly aching, so completely bare and pale compared to all things. But I will stand and I will not move for no other reason but that I know I have to. I will use every last bit of strength to keep standing. I will not fall. But I may never understand why I may be the only one standing. And I know that if I rest just one moment, I will never get back up. And I hate knowing that no one understands and that I will receive no help and that its me alone; I am alone to serve my purpose.

I write though I know no one will understand exactly what I am talking about, just as I stand though no one knows why. And I will keep writing, just as I will keep standing, and one day there will be a purpose for both, and my words will be strong and i will be able to sit and cry and breathe and close my eyes. But now I stand and I write, forever i suppose........