Well, today was nice. Not great, not bad, simply nice. Worked out. Did homework. Felt pretty productive.
But somehow... still thinking about everything. Maybe that's why today was nice, because I had some thinking time inthe midst of a busy schedule.

I am just trying to be me, and at the same time, protect myself. And in doing so, I think I've internalized many things. I've internalized what used to be obvious; all my reactions, my fears, my sad moods... those are all now very private. I hardly let them out. When they do appear, I try to put them back. Somehow, I've changed from the girl who wore her whole heart on her sleeve in high school to someone who keeps her heart stowed away quite safely. It's dangerous to let that out... I know this. It's now almost impossible... and I think only one person somewhere out there will be able to do so. My girls know me, they know everything about me... I let them in on everything. But everyone else... i don't know if I can. It's a little sad... knowing that these faces I see, the eyes that look at me.... they aren't really seeing me. They make their conjectures and split second judgements (as we all are apt to do) and yet, they simply cannot see. And so sometimes I can't (or won't) explain the why's and how's... because if I do, it will make no sense, although the why's and how's of my head and heart do follow strict logic. I don't like when things are serious. I just want to laugh and relax and bypass the forced discussions.

That's my only rebellious desire... just a little freedom before reality kicks in when I graduate. Sometimes I see it in my parents eyes... the reality of everything. I'm not there yet. And sometimes, I have to take some of that reality.. and that's when I can't keep myself from crying. I've grown expert at holding my tears... but that's something I'm not immune to. I am trying to live life very slowly, very deliberately (thank you, Thoreau), and it is working for the most part.

Anyway, how's that for a bunch of random thoughts. It's time to wrap myself in my favorite warm blanket (blue side up, as always) and dream and sleep and listen to some john mayer. Something about his voice is just so very soothing...

mmmm dreaming of that....