Ok world, I will bargain for no one. I will forever be your sympathy, i will forever be an open silence to your words when you want no response, and i will forever be an answer when you want one... but i will never, never, never play dumb to you. Do not assume that I cannot think. Many people cannot, but me, that's all I do. I just think and think and think until it is more than I can stand, then I sleep and re-peace myself. Classes do not provoke the thinking I am talking about, only God does. He will put before me something unfathomable, and I know it's not going to have an answer... but I still think about it. I dont worry... I used to. I just try to figure things out in my own perspective. And inevitably... someone else with the same problem is usually my answer. Hours and hours of thinking only lead to a moment of spontanious epiphany that is the result of someone else's question. Other people proove me to myself.
I'm not saying I am smart, I am not saying that I have all the answers... or any for that matter. If you knew me, you'd know this. I am simply saying that I search my own answers, whether they make sense to others or not, it's all I have to give really.
Think about it... what do I really have to give to anyone? Just what I have learned about life, and I can only give that to people who want it from me. Otherwise I can give them the silence they want or the oblivion they project me to have, I can give them naivite and I can give them many things of which I am labelled. But only because they label me. The things I truly have are the only things that I can truly give, and I know how to give, but sometimes... people forget what life offers. Including me. And when I forget that, I have absolutely nothing to give, because I have forsaken myself and my faith. I can question my purpose in life all I want, but I think on too large a scale. I need to think smaller, on a personal level. The only purpose I can have is my affect on people. Anything else I do is indirectly the same thing. So what if I already know my purpose in relation to others? What else have I to find out? Good for me that I dont know any of it. I just know my own temporary answers. It's all temporary. Truth is eternal, but humanity has a very difficult time focusing on truth and thus can only grasp a little of it at a time. My holds on truth evolve and change in different categories of my life and will continue to do so.
Luckily for you, this writing is incoherant. It's a lot my little truths in one big pile, and this time they dont make a bigger truth. I still have more thinking to do to connect these thoughts together. This is merely a catharsis blog, to free the words in my head that I cannot help but write down.
If I didnt have this blog, I dont know what I would do. I love writing in this blog more than in my own personal journal. And yet here I am so obtuse. No details here, just thoughts, whereas my journal is more detail than thought. And i used to think that the details mattered more. When I write in my journal, I think of myself when i will read my entries as a grown woman, as a mother, as a grandmother, and I write everything I would ever want to know about my life. But here, I just speak, and hope that I am not simply talking to myself. But even if I am, I am still writing, I am still going, I am still alive in the ways that matter to me, thus I am here. My small tiny impact exists and still stands.
Here's to confusion....
