I wish I was in my bed at home right now, and I wish it were Christmas time and I wish it were cold outside and I wish my dog was just in the other room. I miss her so much, and right now, I would give so much to be at home with her and not to be here. Cause she used to make me feel better. I just really wish she was here...

Dream job # 17

To own a small bookshop in New York, or some city anywhere. A bookshop that carries all the best classics and and is only small in atmosphere, because I want to feel like I'm in a small town while I'm in a big city. Why not just live in a small town? Sure, but when you feel that in a big place, then you feel the humanity of it, the honesty of it, and the small inkling in your mind that perhaps at some point in everyone's life, they feel as if they want to live in a small town. Except people who want to escape themselves. So I guess I am a mix of all these things because I want to live in New York for a while, or Paris, but I dont want to grow old there I don't think. I think I want to live somewhere small and it has to have a dirt road. On the way back to Athens tonight I passed a small dirt road and I wanted to drive down it so much. I could see its end in the distance at a plantation style house, and it reminds me of something from a long time ago but I can hardly remember what. I just remember a dirt road that my family used to always drive down when I was 3 or 4, but I can't remember where it goes.

If I lived in 1875, I would fit in completely... I decided that I don't do well the way things work right now. I think (daydream) too much and too often and so I end up not paying attention to every little detail, which I've decided is what you need to do today. The details are what get people ahead. And for some reason I have to work really hard to notice the details and be observant. Well, I need to be more specific ont his subject. I notice "people" details.... I notice everything about people. But I dont notice other details. I couldn't tell you where the color of the carpet in my room at home. Ok I could, but that's the sort of detail that escapes me. Anyway, maybe the details I notice will help me somehow.

Actually, I know those details will help me. Although I have no idea where I will be working in ten years, or even what I am doing, I do know what my purpose is right now. I feel that every skill God has given me is for the purpose of supporting and helping other people. I just dont how yet. Eventually, on top of supporting lots of people, I think there is going to be one person I will support fully. Perhaps that is an anti-feminist statement, but its a true statement of what I feel, which would make sense since i wouldnt label myself as a feminist. Anyway, just thoughts. I'm sure they will be elaborated on or edited often. But for now, that's it.

Time to study... or avoid thinking about other stuff.

My little doggie died tonight. Or actually a couple of days ago but i didn't know till tonight and I miss her so much. I came home and I didn't hear her and I knew that she had been to the vet this week, and I knew when I walked in that she wasn't coming back. So now it's very very quiet and i can't look at the dog food on my floor, and I just miss my puppy. And even though she was old she was still my puppy and I just want her to come and wag her tail at me or bark at the stupid TV commercials. I am being pretty childish right now about it, but I didn't think I was going to cry this much. I've been preparing myself for this all week because i knew it was coming, but now i just want my doggie back. I feel like I am losing pieces of me from all over the place. Sweetie was my link to so many places in my childhood and so many hard times, and I think about it, and the next pet my parents get wont know me like Sweetie knew me. I wont be "hers". And I wont grow up with the next one and .... i just miss her.

I love you Sweetie.

Tonight I realized what it means to love somebody in the past tense, and how the tense diminishes nothing. A very dear friend, one of three people who has known me as I know myself, called me tonight and I can never thank him enough for all he has done in my life and in my heart. I was asked the other day what my greatest fear was, and I replied "The fear of never being understood, and thus being alone." Tonight I realized that my fear has already been defeated; for I have already been understood, and I will thus always be understood by at least one person. No matter how many years it has been, he will have defeated the fear i cannot defeat myself.

This blog goes out to good friends and good memories and pure innocence. Speaking of, I have said this before, but will speak with conviction now, that innocence is like faith, and is a matter of the soul and not of deed. God works in wonderful ways to show me that He loves me, and when I feel as though I am about to break, He sent an old friend to remind me that I should never break under such trivial worries. I will not worry about homework tonight, nor my schedule nor school in any way shape or form. I will be thankful tonight that I am loved and that I will never, ever be alone. I will be thankful tonight that I have laughed and cried, and that I have done these things with wonderful people, people who will never judge me nor will they forget me. I know I will never forget.

Rosh Hashana is this Saturday, kicking off the Jewish New Year. It is a week of reflection to end in atonement. God has started celebrating early with me, I think, because I am doing those things tonight.

Anyway, this night is for three guys and a girl who used to be inseparable, and who in fact, still are. And to one very special guy- you are an amazing man, thank you for showing me love and patience and kindness and gentleness and self-control and peace and joy and patience and goodness. May God bless you always.

Here's to the Irish.....

Rainy day, and I love it. There is no better day to think, no better day to sleep, nobetter day to eat cookies or to do anything really, than a rainy gloomy day. The wind always makes you awake and the clouds make you sleepy and the rain makes you awake again.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were from a small town and never went to college and knew my whole life what I would do. If I just knew ever since I was born that I would work at General Beauregards Used Bookstore on Apple Street. That I knew I'd live in, hmmm Kansas perhaps, until I died. And that I'd get married to the little boy down the street and we'd have three kids and they would work at the store after school. If I knew all these things, and didnt want to go anywhere else cause I knew it was so and it was written, would I be so different? Would I be happy to see people or would I even care? My point is... I'm not sure. I never wish for that, to know anything about where I'll be, but... I've found myself thinking that thought so many times lately. I'll see a picture of an old town, and be like.... that could have been me. But I'm here, playing music, taking classes, hanging out... and looking to some future of which i have no concept. It's a little fun to think of the way circumstance has underlined the way I am.

I think I will take a nap now, because there is nothing better to do on a rainy day but put on some John Mayer, open the blinds and get a very warm blanket and sleep and not set the alarm. I have more I want to write about so I might update tonight. Sweet dreams and sweet sweet rain!

Very much contemplative tonight. Knowing that I will have to wait so very long; knowing that in my heart. Yet sometimes pretending its not so.... pretending that I could be what I needed to be and worrying that I am not. All the while not really sure, because who can be sure of what God needs you to be? Yet just hoping that I had made something of my life that was worthy, hoping and never and always finding assurance. I know I have done so much with my life and yet I'm still so convicted that it's not good enough and I have a long way to go. And that I'll always have a long way to go. And I know that the work i will put into my goals is not labor but sacrifice, but I wonder that I will never grow weary? That I will never find things that other people find. I am not lost, and although content, still curious, still seeking. I have everything I need. Nothing else could satiate me, and yet sometimes there are nights when I cry, like tonight. I think they just happen, because I know that I am so very happy right now. Everyday I wake up and thank God for all that He has given me, but tonight I cry. Maybe just because I am a girl or maybe because I know that sometimes I just have to be sad for a little bit. So tonight is my night. I will be happy in the morning.

Goodnight, to whomever still reads this. I think one day i will explain all this, just not today, not here.

I am soooooooo staying up late tonight, only for the fact that my morning class was cancelled so I don't have anywhere to be until 12:20. Awesome. Except I'll probably still only get five hours of sleep cause I'll probably stay up really late. It is movie night however. And the last night this week before marching band takes over! Rar! or Bligork (for rory!).

So apparently.... Snelling's food inspection... yeah they almost made lower than I did on that one English test last year. It was only in one section of the inspection, but still... this is my main source of food here... and you guys know how i get. I am about to go on a popcorn diet consisting of .. popcorn. Microwave. Kettle Corn. Maybe even cookies. Yes defintely cookies too. The good frosted ones from walmart.

This blog goes out to JV, since the last one went out to Viki.

Anyone heard the new JM cd yet?? I need to go buy it ASAP. AHH! Need new JM like I need new shoes. Which is.. a lot... and always....

Nothing more to say, hope the movie tonight is good! Latah!

I LOVE... EVERYTHING!!!!!

My life right now is so amazing, because God has given me more than I will ever need. Not like I won the lottery or anything, but I am just so enthused, so energetic, so ready for the next moment and so in life with the present! I cannot even describe the energy I have right now, inspite of all physical odds that I could be so awake and in motion. The need to sleep has become more a need to serve God- and that's where I find not only my rest but also my anticipation.

I am surrounded by amazing people in my life, new and old. I feel like although I am small and specific, I am at peace with the idea of bigger tapestries that may include my own thread. I feel like whatever I do or say is adding to the beauty of something, even when I mess things up. As if I were in an impressionist painting, and an imperfect brushtroke is the life of the painting. Specific and unique, it is never something that anyone could see as beautiful, but taken as a whole it makes perfect, complete sense and serenity. Perhaps that is the real beauty of Monet, Renoir, Manet, Van Gogh..... we understand them at a level in which we cannot put into words, but something that merely makes sense. A whole which exists but we will never see. Peace, however, that it is there is proof that it exists, and I am living proof of that peace. All I know is that right now I feel that serenity, and I know that although I am tiny, I am intensely part of something.

I cannot see my path right now, but I know that I am where I should be. Everything that has happened in my life for the past few months has made sense to me. I could never explain why these things have made sense; I simply know that they could be no other way, and that is a quite amazing feeling.

As if this summer I reorganized myself... into an efficient machine combining emotion and logic and faith. Somehow I have completely stripped myself of old destructive layers, masks, and weights. I now feel free and light and as if I could sing an opera anytime, anyplace (ask my roomates... they hear me in the shower!!). I can't stop hearing the music in my head and in my heart. I want so much to be a part of everything musically beautiful! I want music to be in my hands and in my voice and in my eyes and in my motions. I want to impart music to others. The fact that I say these things is unbelievable..... the fact that I am a major in music is completely unlikely, and yet it is perfect and just an unexpected turn of God's plan. Had I not gone to UGA, or not listened to Mr. Beach on one day a year and a half ago, I would not be here, and never feel this amazing peace.

I am too excited to sleep... but for what?? I have everything to be excited for and yet I dont know what these things are!! However, I need to try to sleep anyway. Goodnight, goodnight!!