Hmmmm...

I had a great weekend. It was very relaxing. Is it bad to love to just sit, sometimes, and not really do anything? To love to be comfortable? I can't help but love it... and sleeping in too?

I really want a job someday that lets me breathe, that gives me weekends, that lets me stay up late...
I want a different life than I have witnessed in some ways... and the same in others. There are things I want to change about my future, but instead must simply trust God that He will take care of me.

My roommate is going home thursday and wont be back until after Easter weekend. That's a long time. She is student teaching and will be on her spring break that week and a half. Hmm... this might be a preview of this summer. What is it like to live alone?

I am ready for summer to be here. And the weeks are just flying by right now. But so are the weeknds :( Goodnight....

Hmmmmm....

today was a much better, less stressful day... mostly cause its over!! And I got to see a great recital...everything about it was awesome. Props to John. Wish i was that good at music!!! Manhattan School of Music better watch out!! :)

Also, had tv night with the girls. "Could that show BE any funnier?"- another tv show imitating our favorite quote on our most favoritest show ever. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday tv nights rock. Lol. Ok so we have no life, BUT, we are considering going to trivia someday. Cause we would win, according to Amy.

GA vs. UF in men's tennis tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! go dawgs, we better freakin win.

so i might get a new (old) car?!?!?!? we'll see... that would rock though. dont ask me make, year, type, color, or anything else about it, cause i just know its a car.

anndddddddddddddddd i'm done. hyper, nothing to do, might watch some nick at nite (swweeeet) or a disney dvd (equally swweeeet) and maybe go to bed in time to get a full 8 hours of sleep? that's just plain ridiculous... i'll have to do something about that!

i'm out yo!

Today has been a very long day. Just want to relax. Can't relax till after next tuesday. Really not until after April 16th. Stressed out. Trying not to be. School is not worth stressing...


want a hug....

I am exhausted. Music theory drains the life out of me.

Some days, you just dont feel pretty. Today has been one of those days. Maybe tomorrow.

Summer Job Fair tomorrow... wish me luck...

and if I dont find time for a nap... tomorrow will not be a good day.

Goodnight, love all~

I feel like i've been running around all day and haven't gotten the chance to sit down at all. Somehow I think this whole week is going to feel like that. :( Not fun!!! Oh well somehow I always find time to relax. YOu have to, otherwise life is just pointless if you cant sit down and think.

Not much to say. Clean bathroom- yay!!!!!! And I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove my bed. Goodnight everyone! Yeah! I am so getting a full 8 hours of sleep tonight!! Ahhh.......

*Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind*

Sitting here, eating strawberry jello. Just saw that movie. Obviously from the previews you can tell its supposed to be sort of odd, and it is, but by the end of the movie everything just completely makes sense. I don't know how to explain really. It's about love. I guess the reason it clicks is that it doesn't show movie love... it portrays the relationship as flawed, frustrating sometimes, difficult... but still amazing. The lack of perfection just makes the whole thing so real... even though its all about dreams and memories and imagination. You watch and you think "that's me" in some way... It touches on fate a little bit... you just want to tell them its worth it... i wanted to wake them up; wanted them to see the movie we saw in the audience. Do you ever wonder that if you saw your life from an audience's view, you might think different about the things you do and say? Hmm... movie decisions are so easy... and movie life is so easy... because you have an end to everything and you know, or at least almost always know the way its going to end. So really there are no decisions there... things just happen in the way that you know they will happen. Then every once in a while a movie comes along and you truly wonder what will happen, and that's when the movie can capture you... and that's when i enjoy them most...

i love movies...

anyway, i'm sleepy, its late, i have an 8 AM. It's another week. But these are the times that make sleep so wonderful and perfect...

goodnight

Well.... temporary PMS today. Apologies to everyone... especially...well you know....


After that passed, this has been a wonderful evening because I got over myself. It was marvellous. When I was in elementary school, I was obsessively worried about everything. Were my pets ok? Did I wash my hands enough? Did I brush my teeth for exactly five minutes? I don't know where any of this came from. I just inherited that gene from my family... I think it must be from my mom's side. But anyway I've gradually overcome that urge to think about everything, to make sure I fixed everything, to make sure every single thing in my life was ok. This year especially, I have learned to give in to the silence in my mind and let the noise, the clutter i add to my life, dissipate. I have found such a peace, such a quiet life, and I have never been happier. I may be busy, or I may not sleep 8 hours a night, but still my mind and heart are quiet and fulfilled... for a long while now. Today was something I needed. I gave into the cluttered thoughts and worries of my mind and re-realized the peace it took me so long to find. God must just be checking up on me... making sure I'm ok. And I am... and right now I feel more wonderful and quiet and peaceful than I may have possibly ever felt. Sorry again to those who had to put up with someone they may not be used to... I am not used to that part of me anymore... but I needed to know what I have left behind in my life and how I am growing into the person that I will know myself as. I already know how I want to be... I've always known the woman I want to be. It's good to be home, where the memories are very close and remind me of my dreams for the future. I complain... a lot, but in truth, home feels so good. Home is the love of my life, and I will one day have my own and it will be wonderful and warm and it will simply be my very own. And tonight when I was putting my key in the door, my house smelled like my grandparents' house in savannah used to. It smelled exactly the same. And that may be one of the most comforting things I have... because my grandparents' house will always be beautiful and happy to me. I will never remember the tears there... even with my grandfather's death.. I just remember wonderful summers and they seem endless to me now. I remember the nights of tv with my brother, and the cups they had, and the cabinets, and the wallpaper, and the chickens (no lie), and the yogurt and the cat prints in the driveway. When my grandmother sold the house, I went to every room, I tried to memorize every detail... the carpets, the furniture, even the smells and the textures. And I somehow have kept a lot of that with me. I miss the stairs the most... and i know exactly how they feel under my feet. I miss that city.

Tonight I once again rediscovered writing. Again, another post on writing, but I have to... writing is a certain mood for me and I have found it again. On that note... glamour magazine is having a nonfiction writing contest. The winner gets money and some kind of book deal. A book deal! I have to enter... I can't ignore that kind of chance, even if it's a longshot... I just have to find some story from my life. Something in my life that I can write candidly about. Something that people would want to read, and more importantly, something that I want to write about. I have oh so much to write about....

My poor puppy... she hurt her leg somehow and has been limping all day. When I got home she was wagging her tail but she was also holding up her hurt paw, so she pretty much just fell over. I love that dog and cannot wait to live somewhere where I can have my own puppy. I would get a golden retreiver... or a lab. Hmmm...

Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow. It's my dad's 50th birthday and there is much shopping and celebrating and eating to do. Thanks for putting up with me, everyone who reads this. God has given me so many blessings...

i keep thinking its gorgeous outside, even though it is overcast. i feel like its gorgeous outside. and frankly the clouds aren't really changing my mind about that so much. lol. what a gorgeous day..... ;)

Wondering.... praying for guidance... wait, i'm not wondering anymore... just so used to typing that. Still praying for guidance though. And now, sleeping... although lately i haven't needed too much of that...

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
The Lord bestows favor and honor;
No good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.

O Lord Almighty,
Blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Psalm 85:10-12

So I have lab homework for Marine Bio, and the teacher said we could find all the answers online. However, this is not true, so I'm sorta mad... mostly that it's 1:23 AM and I trying to do homework on a Saturday night and i can't find the answers. Grr.

I got to see Lindsey today!!!!!! I love her and miss her so much, it was so good to see her. We went to the mall. I bought a dress. :) Ahh, just like old times!! Haha. And I finally got some ice cream; I have been thinking about ice cream since last night. Lol. Since when does Gwinnett Mall have a Marble Slab Creamery? Pure business genius. And ice cream genius as well.

So really, I am just wondering certain things, wishing I was in Athens, and yet wishing classes did not start back on Monday. I have an 8 am, too. That stinks. Oh well... 6 more weeks. Then what?

Ok so you know in movies when you know what is going to happen in the end but the characters are all clueless, but it seems so obvious (situational irony is the literary phrase, i think...i am such a nerd)??? Yeah I feel like that is my life. Lol. Someone tell me what in the world is going on!!!!!!!! Bah!

Wellll........ bye

At home.... bored out of my mind. That's pretty dangerous for me, that's always when I start thinking about stuff that makes me angry.... which i am not really angry right now, but in general that's what happens.

I am tired of this journal in a way... I can't say the things I really want to say, because i don't let people read what I really want to say, and what's left over is just talk... just updates. I feel like this is a very distorted made-for-tv version of my life on friday night primetime. (If you are wondering, friday night prime time sucks.)

So. There ya go. Going to write stuff in my real journal now. Bye.

Lol wellll.......

Ok so Gatlinburg was sooooooooo much fun with Cortney and Jessie! and John (for like an hour)! We did such dorky touristy stuff and have soooooo many funny stories. Most of which happened in the first hour of our vacation. Awesome. I will, however, regain my title as mini-golf champion of the world....

I get to see lindsey tomorrow i think! I hope! I havent seen her in forever... i miss her so much! We're back in lilburn... who knows what will happen! ;)

Man ok sorry my journal sounds like crappy 12 year old journal today... (Some of you might say "how is that different from every day?" or "you ARE 12".... but you suck if you thought those comments to yourself)

Spring Break next year... New York. Life in two years... New York. I hope. If i can get a scholarship or write a novel between now and then. Hmm... right.

Ok so lately I can't sleep a whole lot... I spend a lot of time just layin in bed thinking about stuff and not being able to find the "quiet in my mind" (thanks john mayer). I think it is because so much is happening right now in my life. I am so ready to be free from classes... core classes especially, but classes in general. I am tired of being tested, tired of being held on other people's standards. I feel like college is just an altered extension of high school and i just wanna do my own thing. Frankly, for the first time in my life, I dont care if I make an A in Marine Bio or Econ. I HATE those classes and I am working hard, but holy cow that is NOT what life is about. I am so tired of having to chain myself to grades and projects and homework because it really doesnt matter. I mean, I see how it gets me from point A to point B. But I think in 50 years... next year... tomorrow... I am going to be much happier with a memory I have than a 93 on a theory assignment.

Which brings me to this summer. Ok logically it makes more sense for me to stay at home and work at the law firm again this summer.... spending my days in a cubicle (yeah, no lie...) being completely and utterly miserable. If you could see all the poems and stories I have written on post-it notes and legal pads from that office, you would be amazed. It pays well, but I dont know if I can handle it. Its in the same genre as classes... But if I dont work there, then what? I have almost completely decided against Europe... i just can't this summer. I'd LOVE to live in athens, maybe take classes, definitely get a job... but just be on my own for a while. A summer with almost no ties, a summer of complete freedom, a summer of fending for myself and seeing what I can do on my own. Maybe getting a lot of writing in. That would be simply amazing. And if I did that I could still come home whenever I wanted... I would just have my own place and wouldnt have to move all my stuff back home for two months. The only problem with that is finding a job. And... I've never lived alone. I admit its sort of a scary concept. If ANYONE knows of a good job in the athens area, let me know. That would be amazing.

Anyway, I guess I should go attempt to sleep... and by that I mean I am about to go watch Robin Hood (yes disney version) and various other movies. Why cant I sleep????

Maybe cause I can't stop smiling...

"What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I?"

~Damien Rice

This is going to be a very long spring break. Wondering. The one time when I can't read people.... the one time I really wish I could. Maybe all the long drives this week will help... Lord I hope so. Time to go back home now... be back in a week...

I want to write sooooooo badly. Spring especially makes me want to write. I have so much in my heart that I just want to pour down onto paper, but I can't find the best way to do it. I have my journals (online and real ones), but I want to write stories. I need to find the characters, the events... I just don't know where to find those yet. I can't wait; this is my passion and I wish I could just follow this wherever it would go. But I have a feeling I am where God wants me right now. He is doing so much in my life. Everyday He opens my eyes to new blessings I have never noticed. The gorgeous days, snow, my friends, my little brother, phone calls to my parents, ...someone's smile..., windows, night-times, getting up early, guitars, all music.... I can't even name them all. Everytime I wake up there is just something new. I have this anticipation for the future... as if last year I had decided that my dreams were silly and unreachable, I have suddenly been reintroduced to the idea of following those with everything I have. I can hardly breathe with the thought of today, tonight, tomorrow.... like I've carried something with me for a whole year now, hiding it, and now i think I am allowed to open up... or rather... it just happened that way. Something sparked within me....

And tonight, more friends, more God, more everything. My mind right now is reeling with anticipation and there is so much to say, but I can't sit still long enough to make it into sentences. I can't stop smiling, I can't stop loving every part of my life (even economics class!), I can't help but love where I am right now, and I'd like to freeze this moment... the past few weeks, and just keep them for a while. The weather is amazing and only adds to what's going on in my heart right now. I can't sit still while looking out at the clouds and knowing that the wind is blowing just right... feeling like i should be out there and should never come back inside. If you go far enough away from campus, out to the east side of athens... you can see so many stars at night and it has always taken my breathe away, but now, it's just so motionless and still and wonderfully quiet. It brings back the days when I stayed up late everynight. That's when I found my thoughts and my passion in life. That's when I wrote. Rigth now I feel like I am there in the quiet, but at the same time everything is happening all around me. I don't really know what is going on with me but it is wonderful... just an amazing feeling of living. I know what I would say if I were reading this... but i'll keep my diagnosis to myself. Lindsey, Laura, or Jessie could take all of these words and condense them and tell you exactly what is going on... but they wont! ;) Good lord I love them.

And that, in short, is what's on my mind.

This week has been crazy amazing. Right now my ears are ringing from the Maroon 5 concert. It was pretty good... not as good as Matt Bivins and JLC though. Even though Amy & co. got their shirts autographed!!! you crazy girls! The amazing part of the week was just having fun with all of my friends. All of that makes classes almost bearable!

I have had less sleep and more fun than I have had in a very long time, and i decided that I like staying up late. It's nice.

I like my life right now. I don't know what else to say really... there are things I want to say but I just can't. Right now at least.

So I guess I am out of words.... goodnight....

"I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved"