Well.... temporary PMS today. Apologies to everyone... especially...well you know....


After that passed, this has been a wonderful evening because I got over myself. It was marvellous. When I was in elementary school, I was obsessively worried about everything. Were my pets ok? Did I wash my hands enough? Did I brush my teeth for exactly five minutes? I don't know where any of this came from. I just inherited that gene from my family... I think it must be from my mom's side. But anyway I've gradually overcome that urge to think about everything, to make sure I fixed everything, to make sure every single thing in my life was ok. This year especially, I have learned to give in to the silence in my mind and let the noise, the clutter i add to my life, dissipate. I have found such a peace, such a quiet life, and I have never been happier. I may be busy, or I may not sleep 8 hours a night, but still my mind and heart are quiet and fulfilled... for a long while now. Today was something I needed. I gave into the cluttered thoughts and worries of my mind and re-realized the peace it took me so long to find. God must just be checking up on me... making sure I'm ok. And I am... and right now I feel more wonderful and quiet and peaceful than I may have possibly ever felt. Sorry again to those who had to put up with someone they may not be used to... I am not used to that part of me anymore... but I needed to know what I have left behind in my life and how I am growing into the person that I will know myself as. I already know how I want to be... I've always known the woman I want to be. It's good to be home, where the memories are very close and remind me of my dreams for the future. I complain... a lot, but in truth, home feels so good. Home is the love of my life, and I will one day have my own and it will be wonderful and warm and it will simply be my very own. And tonight when I was putting my key in the door, my house smelled like my grandparents' house in savannah used to. It smelled exactly the same. And that may be one of the most comforting things I have... because my grandparents' house will always be beautiful and happy to me. I will never remember the tears there... even with my grandfather's death.. I just remember wonderful summers and they seem endless to me now. I remember the nights of tv with my brother, and the cups they had, and the cabinets, and the wallpaper, and the chickens (no lie), and the yogurt and the cat prints in the driveway. When my grandmother sold the house, I went to every room, I tried to memorize every detail... the carpets, the furniture, even the smells and the textures. And I somehow have kept a lot of that with me. I miss the stairs the most... and i know exactly how they feel under my feet. I miss that city.

Tonight I once again rediscovered writing. Again, another post on writing, but I have to... writing is a certain mood for me and I have found it again. On that note... glamour magazine is having a nonfiction writing contest. The winner gets money and some kind of book deal. A book deal! I have to enter... I can't ignore that kind of chance, even if it's a longshot... I just have to find some story from my life. Something in my life that I can write candidly about. Something that people would want to read, and more importantly, something that I want to write about. I have oh so much to write about....

My poor puppy... she hurt her leg somehow and has been limping all day. When I got home she was wagging her tail but she was also holding up her hurt paw, so she pretty much just fell over. I love that dog and cannot wait to live somewhere where I can have my own puppy. I would get a golden retreiver... or a lab. Hmmm...

Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow. It's my dad's 50th birthday and there is much shopping and celebrating and eating to do. Thanks for putting up with me, everyone who reads this. God has given me so many blessings...