I miss:
~Lindsey!
~Laura!
~The Crew!! :) (ep dup dup... FINE BY ME!!!!)... that means miss cortney and miss amy and little miss j-lou...when will i ever see your little lurvey faces again?!?!?!?!?
~the tiger woods of athens... LOL...hahaha
~The 534, so de-lux!!!!
~Athens!... i even miss zaxby's...
~The Stockbridge peoples
~gilmore girls and the FBG's!! ahaha
~Morgon but i am seeing her tonight so no worries.
~my puppy... but she is in the other room
~last but not least, john mayer and jake gyllenhaal... man do i miss them

athens is coming up so soon!! and redcoats! yay! i can't wait, mostly cause i miss the busy-ness and most of all the people!

tonight i am going to see spider man 2 with morgon at the midnight showing, haha! I bet there will be people dressed up. :) i can't wait, i will bring my camera. yay!

i miss all you guys! love you!
Molly :)

Just keep swimming. I hope it snows.

I had a dream last night... it was snowing.

Despite the complications of my life, I truly just want very simple things. But I think that maybe I wasn't meant for simple things. I don't know what that means, but I know that right now everything is one big blur and I am trying to pick out all the smudged colors. Trying to make them into something logical. When nothing really is.

Maybe it will snow again tonight.

My dog is CRAZY

We bought my dog a new toy tonight- a stuffed squeaky fox- and with ten minutes she had completely irradicated it.... indicated by a telltale stuffing trail to each room in my house, and proven by one tiny, lifeless squeaky mechanism in the floor of our living room... like the poor little heart of the toy. Lol.

Meant to go to the pool this week. Maybe tomorrow. Am trying desperately to get all of my belongings organized enough to move into a house next semester. Only have three weeks, and then two and a half weeks of teaching band camp, then compressed reunion with lindsey when she gets back from france, then one day of move-in and head first into redcoats. Whew. It's going to be busy. Next Tuesday (Wednesday) Morgon and I are going to the midnight showing of Spiderman 2. Lol maybe people will dress up in costume; that would be awesome. Or even better, maybe Toby Maguire.. (spelling??) would come. OR EVEN BETTER... Kirsten Dunst would come and have to bring along Jake Gyllenhaal and then I would steal him away. Yes. Marvellous.

Well now that that's over.... bed. night

Tonight i am reposting an entry from Sunday November 16, 2003. It just makes me smile to read it. There once was a time when this journal held lots of hope and dreams... and it needs to be that way again. Cheers.

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I'm so very very close.

So close that I can hear and see and feel and smell and dream as if it was real. So very very close and still not there. And I am so at peace with it all, except for tonight, when i am still there in a very real dream that is seems to pass in and out of solidity to me. One minute I can see through to the next dream and one minute it is all that is before me.

So when is the point when i wake up? Or is it that I must decide first whether this real, and if it is, I must somehow learn to keep it, and if it will forever be a dream, i must find out how to walk through it to the next one?

And this dream smells like Christmas to me, like pinetrees and cold air and apples and spice and and sweaters and warmth. This dream is vivid to me, like a lense I see through that makes the world a million times more distinct and sharp.
And I woke up every hour last night almost and the dream continued from sleep to coherence for a few moments, and I would then realize that something very tiny was missing, and it was not a feeling or a difference in thinking... merely a simple physical inconsistancy. But never have I wanted more to sleep, where dreams are the only reality.

Oh Lord, please hold my hand and walk me through the fog, or hold me while it passes over me, or teach me to see it as it really is. Please...

All we are is all so far.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

Hope you remember me,
when you're homesick and need a change.
I miss your purple hair,
I miss the way you taste.

I know you'll come back someday,
on a bed of nails I wait.
I'm praying that you don't burn out,
or fade away.

Well, look. I don't feel like a good person right now, no matter how hard i am trying. But i AM trying, and that's the thing. I am not perfect, I am not. No one is. But for goodness sake, those of you who know me know how much I hate to see people hurting. Hate it. Loathe it. Will do anything in my ability to prevent it. And right now I am sucking at it. I am trying so hard to do what is right. But there are some things I can't help or prevent. For that I apologize, but please don't judge me on that. If you know me, then you would know that I am a good person. No one out there knows what is going on with me right now, because I haven't told anyone. So because you don't know, trust that I am doing what I can, and don't assume that I don't know what's going on. I have never done anything half-heartedly, and i don't give up on my friends for anything. anything. so please, do not judge me if you do not know me. i try my hardest to give everyone that much respect, and i deserve the same.

why do i even write on here anymore? i should delete it... for i can't say the things i need to say. not clearly at least. not without being misunderstood. i am a happy person. but there are times when all people have problems, and now is one of my times. i don't need advice, i don't need questions... i simply need my friends' love. i need that just like i always have... i need my best friends like i always have, and i wish the rest of the world wouldn't judge me for the things they don't know. maybe right now i have nothing to give back to the world, and i apologize for that, but i always do my best to be fair and honest and loving to everyone. i'm serious... if you know me, then you know that. but it breaks my heart that sometimes people can't see that.

right now, i simply am just sad (do not assume the reason), and i apologize, but it happens, and i will be fine. it is no one's fault, and again, you may think you know what all these words are about, but i promise not one of you does. i am a much more private person than you think. there are things between only God and me. Things that will stay that way forever. So please, I am just asking you for the respect I give all of you... dont judge me, please.. for there are things in my life right now that I cannot explain. I suppose I write on here for a release, and I am sorry that these entries have caused assumptions.

But this too shall pass....

someone posted anonymously on my journal from saturday, june 12th, and i would really like to know who it was. thanks. let me know

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone


Norah Jones

woke up this morning in the same mood i fell asleep in. feel like i can't breathe.

*happy birthday to mew, john!* hope you had a great day, you deserve it!

This week was great- i miss the 534, the list, and my de-lux ladies. Shoo. Also miss: the pool. Lol. What a tought job. I am definitely applying again next year. I made so many new friends, it was great and exactly what I needed!

Today was weird- home finally. Decided to clean my room. This will take a while. I also have to take on a new role, being at home. It's a tough one. I can take it though. I've been able to before, although this roel promises to be much more difficult.

Blast, I never meant for that to be seen today. That stuff only happens to me. Want to erase time.... want to erase many things...

I need to write a book about my life. It would sell. Then I would no longer need to worry how i am going to pay for living in new york.

must say- i love my summer flings.... with tv shows that is. Last summer I watched felicity every night. It was awesome. I will buy it on DVD someday. This summer is shaping up to be Sex and the City on TBS... also blockbuster when I get my paycheck, lol. I never watched it when it was on HBO, but I have recently discovered that when my best friends are overseas and at camp all summer, the girl talk is exactly what I need. Also- set in New York, main character is an author, ends up working at VOGUE. Yay, I like to live vicariously through fictional characters. Two years. That's all I have to say.

Man, need a cheap ticket somewhere. I'd even go to Kansas. I always wanted to go to Kansas. Just cause everyone says it is so flat, and I ahve no clue what that looks like. I want to be able to see a what a flat horizon looks like. Even if they say it's boring, I still haven't seen it, and I want to. But, like I said, give me a cheap ticket anywhere... just dont want to be in this state right now.

Last night went to a party, and actually enjoyed it. Stayed for a while. Talked. And went all by myself too. Nice to be able to be on my own I suppose, I always drag friends around. But this summer I've discovered that I can fend for myself. Not that I don't loooove having my friends around ;)

Well... I need to email Lindsey. Really need to email her. ~love

ps- back in lilburn, call if bored... i promise i am bored too. or at the new pool. either one

Couldn't get to sleep last night. So much to think about.

I wonder about who reads this? People I don't even know? I wonder if they read what I write and actually understand. Isn't that what writing is about? Maybe it makes people feel better... maybe it makes them feel nothing.

I had a terrible dream last night. It was too real. Dreams shouldn't be like that.

This week is really fun, making lots of friends. It's a nice break from last week's workload. I am so glad I signed up to do this camp.

I miss a lot of people and am ready for next year.

I am scared to go home.

It's starting...

I am scared to go home.

I wish I could numb myself; I wish I was ok with going and getting drunk. I wish i didn't care, I wish I could live life like everyone else. I wish I didn't have everyone else in the world telling me what is good for me, and no one caring to hear what I think is good for me. I wish I didn't believe in love. I wish I didn't have high standards. I wish I knew how to be plain and simple. I wish I didn't care. I wish i believed in all the things i used to believe in. I wish i wasn't jaded. I wish things were as easy for me as they are for others. I wish i wasn't so angry. I wish i wasn't so upset with myself. I wish i could take back a million things. I wish that someone, anyone could just make me feel better. I wish i could just have a hug. I wish nothing mattered. I wish things worked out for me for once in my life. I wish all the words made sense to me in my heart, but they don't, and i don't know how to fix that. I wish laura and lindsey were here. I would give anything for them to be here. I wish it wasn't today. I wish I didn't need the things I need. I wish I wasn't forgetable. I wish you weren't mad at me for this journal entry. I wish i wasnt mad at the whole world. I wish i could fast forward to deep into next year. I wish anything could make me feel better, but nothing does, nothing will. I wish i wasn't broken.

Well, I should be taking a nap right now, but somehow I am not sleepy. I'll regret it later, I can tell.

Camp has been so awesome this week. I am the rehearsal assistant for the middle school band at the UGA Summer Music Camp. I thought it wasn't going to be fun at all. But me and my new parter in crime Kristen have had the bet time ever. I hope next week is just as fun, even though Kristen wont be here. :(

Last night was the Honors Recital for some of the kids. Man, a few of them are simply amazing!! They have more talent than I'll ever have! One little boy was so cute; he sang a song from Mary Poppins: "Feed the Birds." He was sooooo happy when he got done and everyone gave him a standing ovation... I actually teared up because he was just so happy to see everyone clapping for him! That's what music is about, making people happy. It was so awesome.

Anyway, before that, Kristen and I almost got fired. HAha, not really, but we thought we were going to. It's a funny story that involves coffee and a golf cart. And a little running. Lol it was soooooooooo funny.

And a few days before that we had a faculty recital where all the music professors played. Man, we have some amazing people at this school. I don't remember her name, but the professor who sings soprano is simply breathtaking!! I think I just love the human voice too much! I wish I could sing. She gave me chills though. Also the cello and bass were amazing. Ahh. It was nice to hear something other than band music for just a little bit. I have to go back in a little while and help with the concerts and stuff. This was so worth it though, even for basically not getting paid, lol.

These next few weeks I really have to focus on practicing. I took a break this month, which I think is good. I needed it, I was starting to get burnt out, but I still got to play some (crappy music) in conducting band. I really want to get serious about it though. I need to be a respectful musician, and I think that means working hard enough to utilize the talent you have. And I think I haven't worked hard enough in college. I also want to do my best to be proficient on other instruments as well. At least a brass instrument and maybe piano. Passing piano class means nothing. Lol.

I've also found some things I need to work on in my writing. I really need to work on dialogue. Which means I need to know my characters. Which means I need to be able to know and read people. Hmmm... need to work on that maybe.

Cool I miss all of you guys!!!! Everyone is gone to different places! Love you!

Well, I am in a writing mood tonight.

I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's tonight. Funny, how I find it hard to really define the plot; it seems slightly breezy to me. But I am always intrigued. Every time it comes on tv i have to watch it. Something about Audrey hepburn, being in New York and not knowing why. I always cry at the end. And I always think about the poor cat, stuck in the rain. But it always makes me think, and it puts me in a unique breakfast-at-tiffany's mood. Somewhat hard to describe, but one of my favorite's, haha.

This weeks promises to be filled with loud days and quiet nights. Maybe I'll get some writing in...

This week is over. For that matter, this year is over. I still love the people in my life. Things will be fine, life will be life, and you know what? I'm ok. Who would have thought? But I feel just fine. Life is too short to worry, to be angry. Which is why i don't enjoy either.

I've done many things wrong over the past year, past week even, but I've done a lot of things right. And for the thigns I've done wrong, I will learn. And for the things I've done right, I will be greatful. I've paid too little attention to God lately, and He is what I come home to. He has put so many blessings in my life; I have no right to focus on the negative. I have no right to take things so seriously, when I am blind to my own path.

I'm new, tonight. Don't assume that I am the same as I was yesterday, or five minutes ago. I'm learning. But you know what? That's ok.

And on that note, goodnight.

Be willing to know what you want in life...