Florida tomorrow...

Wish I knew what was wrong with me. :( Bad day at the health center.

Love you all.

Goodnight.

I find this to be the most enjoyable Saturday afternoon I have had in a very long time. I hope my life leads to more and more days like this.

My mom came and stayed with me last night to take care of me, and I definitely feel better. :) She made me homemade macaroni and cheese and we watched Finding Nemo. She had to leave this morning though. :(

After she left, I had the whole afternoon to myself. My roomates weren't around, everyone was out of town. So I just ran errands, and I ended up at Barnes and Noble. That place, despite being a corporate chain, is so very enticing to me. So many books. And it smells so good. The atmosphere does a very good job of making me buy books. I spent way too much money there.

Then I took the long way home, just because. Down the pretty part of Milledge, down Old Lexington. How odd that a road can remind you of a person or a time in your life. And how odd that a bookstore can be the place where you feel most at home. I want more days like this. I want more days to drive and think and watch the day pass away. I am tired of noisy days. I am tired of getting up early for busy-ness. I will get up early any day to make breakfast and sit around. However, I don't know how long I can get up and plow through class after class.

The leaves are finally changing.

It has come to my attention that I am perhaps becoming things that I have dreamed of, and some things that I have feared. I am not worried, however. People always say to just be yourself, and I wonder how you can be someone else. Everything you do must in some way be a facet of yourself that you happen to explore at that moment. At this moment, I am quiet. I am more introverted. I have secrets. I have more life inside of me than I show. I am tired of developing relationships and friendships that are not my own, but are instead assumptions of an onlooking crowd.

I am, however, happy with my life, and the people in my life- new and old. I wonder who I will still know in two years. I wonder whose weddings I will attend, and who will be at mine. I wonder even where I will be then. Up north somewhere, I think. I hope. I need some more snow in my life. Just for a little while.

More snow, and more chocolate. And maybe more reeses pieces too. And shoes.

Time to go read away a fantastic day...

Finished homework early, yay! Does that mean i have time to read before I go to sleep? Hmmm... that would be outstanding.

Tomorrow and thursday are going to be such looooong days. But, good news! I get to see my puppy on thursday! Ahhh if i can only make it until then. :) I had a dream that my mom and dad brought her to athens to visit me, and I woke up, and I was sad. Lol. I want a dog here SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad. That would be awesome.

Sorry to say, but I can't wait until next week's off weekend. I don't know what I will do. I hope i just stay in bed allll weekend. Ok not really, but I wish I could just stay in bed and sleep for the rest of this week and then have an awesome weekend.

Fall break!! be here now!!!

Also I am in dire need of new music to listen to. I am addicted to new music. Stupid itunes. Please send suggestions. I tend to enjoy british imports and pretty much any guy w/ guitar music. And other stuff too.

Not much to update really.

Saw an outstanding sunset tonight. So outstanding in fact that it is now the wallpaper on my cell phone. And on that note:

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
It brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time
I go outside
Just no more 3x5's
Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me

~JM

I don't really have much to write right now, which really means I have too much.

braves... i still love you.

i am really not sure what happened this weekend. i hope i don't lose more people that i care about. i don't want to lose them...

i am so tired of worrying though. i told kyle this journal was going to be more positive, so here goes. :)

I hung out with kristen tonight! she is awesome. I was supposed to help her study but we just talked and I ate a lot of candy. Sorry Kristen! Keep going, you can do it!! :)

I am glad music history paper is over. That was ridiculous. Even though it's not technically over. Close enough though. Dr. Link is one crazy lady, but you know what? I like her. She is cool and I like that she gets excited about music. More people should love what they do.

I really want to go shopping. And dancing. I just need to do something different. I also can't wait to go to Florida on fall break. There is something about St. Augustine. It's such an old town. Like Savannah (favorite city ever). I love when places have histories and stories and secrets and mysteries. According to the travel channel, St. Augustine is also one of the top ten haunted cities in the US. I don't know if I believe that stuff but I like ghost stories. I also have had the urge lately to watch "Nightmare Before Christmas"... maybe because we decorated our house for halloween. Man our house is so cute right now. You should all come see it.

Anyway I should go to bed. Goodnight.

As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down
I don't miss you at all
I hear children playin' laughin' so loud
I don't think of your smile

So if you never come to me
You'll stay a distant memory
Out my window I see light doing dark
Your dark eyes don't haunt me

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm tough of your hand
As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down

I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all

~Norah Jones

The best parts of this weekend were the quietest parts and the sleepiest parts. I thank God for some sort of peace in my life at the times when I really need it and in ways that I least expected peace.

I need to get some sleep. Goodnight

GO BRAVES!!! WOOO!

Rock out.

I wish my laundry would be done so I could go to bed! That would be awesome.

Oh man my house is SO decorated for halloween now! spider webs, huge bat, huge spider, big ole pumpkin, and even some halloween lights. Also, there is lots of candy here too, so come see our house. And me. :)

Anybody want to go observe a 2nd grade classroom for me tomorrow? That would be great, thanks.

ummm, spilled coke in my bookbag two days ago. All my notes are now coke colored. Lol. It looks sort of gross. Some people have pointed this out to me as a possible sign that I should quit drinking coke, but frankly, i have to disagree.

Anyway, bedtime, goodnight!

My fingers hurt from playing guitar so much. That is such a good feeling.

Do you think one person can really understand you? Or do you think that you just choose to be around the people that see in you what you want them to see? I mean seriously, I don't even understand myself. Is there someone who understands you enough to truly and without bias see the things that you are blinded to in yourself? I hope so... I would like to have that person around right now, if they exist.

I had a very tough summer. And it's fall now. It's getting colder, and you'd think things would be done. But I don't feel any less lonely. I feel lonelier now than I did months ago, even though I have the best friends I could ask for. I have a new perspective on the things that happen in life, and I don't like it. I am not the same as I used to be. I am too cautious, I am too introverted. I don't want that for my life. But I just have this terrible weight on me, some low puddle that hits me in the bottom of my chest in the middle of the day... at night when everyone else goes to bed. All the advice in the world doesn't make that go away. I'm so tired of automatic words. I want to see someone, anyone, and look them in the eyes and just know they understand. I don't want to have to talk about it. I don't want to know what to do. I just want it, for once, to be ok that I am human. I want someone to read this and not think about what I need to do. I don't want to think about what I need to do. I'm doing everything in my power to keep the joy in my life; because if I ever let that go, then I have nothing. I will always find parts of my life to love. I just don't know how to get over having given so much of myself, to be cleanly discarded. That's all there is to it. How does someone get over that?

You know, I started writing in this over a year ago to get closer to people. And I have. How amazing what happens in a year.

Another weird, entry. I don't apologize. You didn't have to read it. This is me, right now. I'm human; I get sad. I'm not unhappy with my life right now. I apparently just needed someone... something to talk to. And it's easier to be vague. I spend most of my time being happy, focusing on all the joy in my life... sometimes i just have to acknowledge the other parts of my life. Perhaps I shouldn't desplay that for everyone to see, but perhaps i don't care. this is me.

goodnight, things will be better in the morning...

I can't put down the guitar. Maybe that will make me good one day. I would love more than anything to be able to play the guitar well. Guitar and piano. I'm working on it.

I found more sour punch today at walmart, so it was a good day.

I also watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I like movies like that. Weird ones that make no sense until the very end. I wonder what that says about me. I like the unknown. I like trying to figure things out on my own. And I love when the ending is a surprise. Sometimes, and then other times I suppose I need to be able to know the ending.

The Notebook.... yeah I saw that the other day. You know the ending to that one. Well, I did, because I read the book a long time ago. And I thought I wasn't going to cry, since I knew the ending. But I cried so so much. Hah, it was actually a little embarassing. The movie is just so good though. I wonder if it is something that actually happens. Everyone doubts so much the existence of love in this world. Everyone is so jaded. I am sometimes, but I try so hard not to be, even though that will possibly cause me more pain for a while. Is it bad that I don't care? I'll go for it anyway.

You know, it actually just breaks my heart to see people that don't believe in love. And I mean, this already sounds cheesy I guess, but I am being serious. What are they going to do for the rest of their lives? What will they do? What a lonely life, without some sort of hope.

That's what I get for watching movies. Philosophical thoughts that no one wants to hear. It's ok. I like to hear them.

Ever wonder if you could just break away? Make a clean break and go somewhere. i wonder how many times I have said that in this journal somewhere.

Also bought more reeses pieces today. I can't stop.

Sleepy...