My fingers hurt from playing guitar so much. That is such a good feeling.

Do you think one person can really understand you? Or do you think that you just choose to be around the people that see in you what you want them to see? I mean seriously, I don't even understand myself. Is there someone who understands you enough to truly and without bias see the things that you are blinded to in yourself? I hope so... I would like to have that person around right now, if they exist.

I had a very tough summer. And it's fall now. It's getting colder, and you'd think things would be done. But I don't feel any less lonely. I feel lonelier now than I did months ago, even though I have the best friends I could ask for. I have a new perspective on the things that happen in life, and I don't like it. I am not the same as I used to be. I am too cautious, I am too introverted. I don't want that for my life. But I just have this terrible weight on me, some low puddle that hits me in the bottom of my chest in the middle of the day... at night when everyone else goes to bed. All the advice in the world doesn't make that go away. I'm so tired of automatic words. I want to see someone, anyone, and look them in the eyes and just know they understand. I don't want to have to talk about it. I don't want to know what to do. I just want it, for once, to be ok that I am human. I want someone to read this and not think about what I need to do. I don't want to think about what I need to do. I'm doing everything in my power to keep the joy in my life; because if I ever let that go, then I have nothing. I will always find parts of my life to love. I just don't know how to get over having given so much of myself, to be cleanly discarded. That's all there is to it. How does someone get over that?

You know, I started writing in this over a year ago to get closer to people. And I have. How amazing what happens in a year.

Another weird, entry. I don't apologize. You didn't have to read it. This is me, right now. I'm human; I get sad. I'm not unhappy with my life right now. I apparently just needed someone... something to talk to. And it's easier to be vague. I spend most of my time being happy, focusing on all the joy in my life... sometimes i just have to acknowledge the other parts of my life. Perhaps I shouldn't desplay that for everyone to see, but perhaps i don't care. this is me.

goodnight, things will be better in the morning...